Second Favorite Overheard Office Conversation of the Day

It was really a one sided conversation, because whenever coworker #1 tells a story he takes center stage, but here it is anyway...

Coworker #1: So we had both Chihuahuas over last night.
Coworker #2: Uh huh.
Coworker #1: And my wife started dancing like this.

Coworker #1 performs spastic twister dance.

Coworker #1: She had both dogs on a leash and was all tangled up.

Coworker #1 continues spastic twister dance.

Coworker #1: I was laughing so hard my ass *mumble mumble mumble*
Coworker #2: What?
Coworker #3: What?
Coworker #1: My ass trumpet went off!

Favorite Overheard Office Conversation of the Day

We build stuff here. And stuff, as always, is in need of being built. So people in the office were discussing said stuff. Mechanical know-how jargon was being bandied about. I was only half paying attention. Then I heard this:

Supervisor: Is this my exit hole right here?
Coworker: ...
Supervisor: Oh. Heh heh heh.

I once kept a record of all the stuff I overheard at work, that sounded dirty in my gutter residing mind. It was hard at the beginning, when I first started working here, because the 10 year old boy inside me wanted to giggle every time someone talked about vibrators or nipples or shafts or female/male ends connecting to each other. Luckily, the 20-something girl on the outside was able to keep her cool. Because I'm a professional. Yep indeed-y-do.

Here's another addition to the ongoing series of entries in the category of Things That Annoy Me

I should start using category tags. (yes, I know Jack, shush, I'll get to it). That way, when every category has double digit numbers and the Things That Annoy me category has a quadruple digit number, my head will explode and I'll come to the realization that I probably shouldn't let things annoy me so much.

But until then...

Annoyance # 427: people clapping in the movie theater at the end of the movie.

Why? Why do you clap at the end of a movie? It makes no freaking sense. And its retarded. So just knock it off, will ya? You're annoying the sane, reasonable, nonretarded people.

Okay, I can understand clapping if you're at a movie premier in say, Hollywood or New York or wherever, and the cast is there, or the director, or producer, or grip boy, or anyone even remotely connected to the making of the movie is there. You like the movie, and you want to give the people involved their due. Give them mad props. Go ahead. Clap the fuck away.

And I can understand clapping at the end of a movie that is particularly moving. Did it make you cry? Did it touch you to the very depths of your soul? Then clap. Go ahead. Let it out. Clap and cry and clap and sing out in praise for the glory and beauty of the film you just saw.

This makes sense.

And therefore, this kind of clapping is not annoying.

But for the love of all things purple and fuzzy, don't fucking clap at the end of Spiderman 3!!!

Seriously, what the hell is up with that?

Spiderman 3?

Really?

This movie inspired you to let loose with the clapfest?

What the bloody hell is wrong with you?

Of course, when I write "you", I'm talking to the people I shared movie theater space with this weekend. And anyone else that claps at a silly movie. If you didn't/don't clap, I have no beef with you.

If you did/do clap... can you tell me why? Maybe explain it to me? It'll still annoy me, but maybe I'll understand your strange species a little bit better. And that's good for everyone.

The first movie I can remember people clapping at the end of (and they were clapping furiously too) was the Omega Code, possibly one of the worst movies of all time. The movie was a trifecta of bad: bad acting, bad script, bad everything. And at the end of the film, as I'm about to jump from my seat to make a hasty exist, the theater erupts in a storm of applause.

There was a moment there where panic seized my body. Holy shit, I thought. These people have been possessed by aliens. Aliens who enjoy watching horribly torturous movies.

Of course, I survived the encounter with the aliens, for I am still alive today to tell about it.

And there have been movies since then that have garnered applause from possessed theater patrons.

And then Spiderman 3 came out. And people went to see it. In droves. And some of them felt compelled to clap at the end of it.

And I felt compelled to slap some sense into all of them.

Spiderman 3? Really?

Sure, it was an entertaining movie but...

...but...

WHY???

I love it when the chatbot implies that I'm crazy.

I was having the best conversation I've ever had with jabberwacky this morning. I'd type a response, hit send, go about some work, come back to the page and laugh, then send the bot another line. It was marvelous. Then I hit the "our conversation so far" link to save the conversation for posterity and... nothing. Error. Conversation lost because I took too long between chats.

Sigh.

So I typed it up from memory and you know what? It wasn't that marvelous after all. But here it is anyway. The wording isn't exact, but its pretty darn close.

jw: Do you like your name?
me: Yes, I'm quite attached to it.
jw: I'm in my computer.
me: Holy cow, are you a foot tall?
jw: No, are you?
me: No, but I have a foot. Two actually.
jw: Tell me about your foot.
me: Why, do you have a foot fetish or something?
jw: What is wrong with me?
me: Do you want a list?
jw: Yes.
me: 1) you smell. 2) you ask weird questions. 3) you want to know about my foot. Shall I go on?
jw: Do you like me?

(Okay, the following is now an exact copy. Because its all the jabby bothered to save. Silly bot.)

me: Of course, I don't cyber with just anyone.
jw: I'm not just anyone.
me: Of course not baby. You're special.
jw: Are you sure it's not you that needs a shrink and not me?
me: What are you trying to tell me jabbermuffin?
jw: No Neo... I'm just trying to free your Mind.
me: Sweet! I've been needing that.

And the folders, they started talking to me, and... Garp!

I think CoWorker Jack has read yesterday's post. The one in which I claimed to be sunny. Because this is what I found in my email this morning.



Gee Jack, your microsoft paint skillz are really improving. Good job!

Bitch.

:P

Interview Me

I saw this at fauve's and thought, 'I haven't done one of those before' so I offered to be interviewed, even though later I thought, 'hmm, actually, I think I have done one before'.

But I got some questions anyways so I'll be talking about myself, regardless. Which is always a plus. At least for me. I've had the questions for a couple of days now, but I've been sick with an Evil Stomach Virus From Hell, so I've been out of commission. Even back at work, I still feel out of commission. Meh. Stupid evil hell born stomach virus.


1. What is your greatest strength?

The ability to crack walnuts with my Tits of Steel (tm).

But seriously, um... I'd probably say it was my sunny disposition.

(Don't laugh Coworker Jack. I'm sunny dammit! I am! I am! I am!)

I'm usually (i.e. when not-work-stressed or evil-virus-recovering) positive and upbeat and can find the silver lining on almost every cloud. I dunno, I think that's a strength.

2. What is your biggest weakness?

This question reminds me of some of the interviews I've been on where they've asked this question. It's like good lord, do they really expect me to tell a possible future employer that I sing Neil Diamond songs in the shower? How does that make me look like a team player?

Seriously messed up work interview question. What's the point?!?! They don't want the truth. They want an imaginative lie. And I'm not good at on-the-spot lying. It's hard to come up with something that's bad but not 'pension for lighting squirrels on fire' bad. I guess I should have had a standard standby Weakness answer.

I usually responded with whatever I answered to the 'greatest strength' question, because that one always precedes the 'weakness' question. Like, if I'd answered, 'Oh, I'm very helpful' to the first question, I would responded with, 'Well, gosh, you see, sometimes I'm tooooo helpful.'

Such a hard question when being interviewed for a job.

But this isn't a job. So its easy to answer :)

A: laziness!

3. If you had $100 to spend on anything you wanted, what would you buy?

The new Sookie book. But that's not that expensive.

I could spend it on clothes. I was in my favorite clothes store the other day with my mom, days before my birthday, a combination that just screamed, "BIRTHDAY PRESENT TIME!" but this was the first day of the Evil Stomach Virus From Hell so I didn't even feel like trying anything on. :( No fancy pretty clothes from mommy for my birthday this year. So sad.

Is a $100 bucks enough to by a digital camera? If so, I'd buy one of those. One of the good ones.

If not, I'd spend it on a new flat screen monitor for the computer. Or better yet, I'd spend it on a new video card. I really need to start pimping the computer up a bit. Give it more juice. More bling bling. The monitor is like, huge and bulky and so 2001.

4. Are you superstitious? If so, what about?

No. Or at least I try not to be. I might have been when I was younger, I just can't quite remember at this time.

I do remember being in high school, on the water polo team, and seeing someone stick different coins under their swim cap for good luck. They would do this every game, and get all antsy if they were ever running out of time to do so. Watching the girl get all antsy made me think, "What if she didn't have time to put the coins under her cap? Would she think she's going to have bad luck? Is that going to totally mess her up in the game?"

So from then I tried not to have any superstitious rituals. Because if I forgot to touch a certain item or say a certain word or wear a certain item, it would have messed me up. You do the ritual for good luck. You do it because you believe to some extent that it will work. So if you break the ritual, how can you think that everything will still be fine and hunky dory? Trying to convince yourself that you didn't just curse yourself is not a good mind set to be in when you're about to compete against the enemy.

Oooh I just remembered a superstitious act I used to follow as a kid. When I walked home from school I wouldn't step on any cracks. You know, so my momma's back wouldn't break. It was more because I was bored than I was worried about the state of my mom's back, but I followed it almost religiously. Because the walk home was so boring.

Today, I'll step on the crack, I don't care. My mom's back isn't getting any worse.

If I spill salt, I'll toss some over my shoulder, but only because its silly fun.

I do knock on wood sometimes... mainly to hedge my bets. I guess that's the most superstitious that I get nowadays.

5. Have you ever tried online dating? If so, what were your experiences like?

Never tried it. I started dating the HB before that ever got big. Would I ever try it? Well... I'd hate to say no, never. But I'd be very reluctant, and hesitant for a long while, mainly because I would dread putting up a picture of myself. Bleagh.



Obligatory Addendum:

Don't forget to add the rules at the bottom:
If you want to continue, here are the rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." And your email address.
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the
questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else
in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five
questions.

Sticky Forehead

If I didn't loathe the idea of posting a picture of myself on the internet, and if I had a digital camera like I've been wanting to get for the past gabillion years, I would so take a picture of myself with this post-it note stuck to my forehead that has the words "SMILE DAMMIT!" scribbled across it and post it here for the world to see.

I really would.

It made the stressed out Mr. Desk Neighbor chuckle, so I guess I could take it off now. Post-it note glue is kinda itchy after awhile. But I kinda like seeing the blue note hanging over my eyes. Like I'm a rebel with blue bangs or something.