Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Why that's sweeter than a catfish doing the backstroke in the shallow end of the kiddie pool...

Say kids, what time is it?

It's ju-ry du-ty time!

That's right my little dudes and dudettes. Today I get to be all judgmental judicial and shit. Jury duty here I come!

I don't have time to write much now - I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, not by choice. And I want to leave extra early in case I get lost or have trouble parking. So I've got to get dressed (the recorded message that so rudely skipped the part about me not having to show up today mentioned I shouldn't wear any strapless dresses, so I have to rethink my whole outfit!). And find a book that will fit in my purse, as well as a little notebook. I'm hoping to have lots of time to people watch.

I'm exciting about going to jury duty. Ooh! Something new to do! I just hope I don't get picked for any juries. And I hope I get let out after noon. That would so rock.

Anyways... TTFN!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Overheard At The Desk Next To Mine Just A Minute Ago:

"Yes! It finally works!..."

* pause *

"...Oh I'm so happy I could pee."
tuesday is chooseday

Would you rather...

1. eat nothing but food from the ocean for the rest of your life OR nothing but food from cans for the rest of your life?

Corn in a can, peaches in a can (they were put there by a man! In a factory down town...), spam in a can... I like all of these things, but eating nothing but canned food for the rest of my life would drive me NUTS. All caps NUTS at that. I'd pick the first option on the hope that there's enough ocean critters to keep my belly entertained for the rest of my life.

2. x-ray vision OR super hearing?

X-ray vision!!! That'd be way cooler than super hearing, because as my telepathic friend Sookie knows, there are some things you're better off not hearing.

And with x-ray vision I'd be able to do a lot of fun things. Like find out what Clarke Kent's underwear preference is (boxers? briefs? commando?). And I'd make a killing on the mini-mart lotto scratcher circuit because I'd know which ones were the money paying ones.

3. one wish granted today OR three wishes granted ten years from now?

One wish granted today. Because I need money NOW!!! All caps. With infinity exclamation points.

4. have a threesome with dr. ruth and brad pitt OR jennifer garner and maury povich?

Dude, that's so easy. I wanna do me some Dr. Ruth and Brad Pitt! I'm sure Dr. Ruth knows her way around things, and Brad, well, I 'd have him dress up in his Troy/Achilles outfit and run around the room yelling, 'Take it! It's yours!'

*sigh* I think that mental image (sans the Dr of course) is going to get me through the rest of the day quite nicely.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Working on my Procrastinator Society for Backwards Achievement merit badge

Wanna see how I wasted a good chunk of my morning?

First, go check out my bea-U-tiful artwork. (I recommend watching it in super speed mode. I painted lots of dots!) Can I just say that I'm in love with this site. So in love are we two... In fact, I think I want it to have my babies. Yes. Little art doodle babies. *sigh*

Then, after you recover from the shock of how dazzling my artistic skillz are, go check out google maps. (I would have recommended that you go to this site first so you wouldn't have to bother with the inevitable recovery period, but really, the viewing of the loony masterpiece should not be put off for long.) I spent several minutes oohing and ahhing at the site. Then, with the help of Other Desk Neighbor Zack, I searched for 'adult bookstore's around my hometown. Heh heh. < sarcasm>Apparently, the town where I grew up is not a hotbed for hot strip clubs and naughty novelty items stores. < /sarcasm>

artpad link via amber and the maps link via tj

Thursday, February 10, 2005

A spoonful of giggles helps the paperwork go down...

... in the most unproductive way. :)

Tuesday evening, this annoying woman at work (I've heard her referred to as Dragon Lady) sent out an email to some of the guys in my crew complaining about something or other. She was thoughtful enough to CC our boss and other bosses. Ain't she a doll! She didn't bother to ask us directly for the information she needs. Don't know why, we've been more than helpful doing parts of her job for her. *grumble*

So she sends out this email at the end of the Tuesday workday, then is out of the office for some reason on wednesday. So she wasn't around yesterday for the follow up emails. How convenient. The email wasn't anything too major; the boss didn't rain down fiery fury on anyone. It just would have been nice knowing she was around for us to call her up and say 'hey, what's your damage bitch?' Though we would have used a more friendlier selection of Work Place Approved Language. For sure.

Anyway, this morning 'Zack' mentions seeing Dragon Lady and Mr. Desk Neighbor says, "Yeah, I heard she's back from Bitch Camp."

He's had me rolling in stitches ever since. 'Zack' too. I can't even drink my much needed coffee I'm giggling so much.

*sigh* At this rate I'm never going to get any work done. :)

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Ten Reasons Why Valentines Day is a Stupid Holiday

  1. The mascot is cupid, who shoots arrows at people. Violence = stupid.
  2. When you're single, the holiday reminds that you're single to the nth degree.
  3. When you're not single, and your significant other doesn't even bother to get you a card, and you're surrounded by people who do get cards, it really sucks.
  4. Those heart candies with the words 'be mine' on them are stupid. The phrase 'be mine' is so... barbaric sounding. You be mine. *grunt grunt scratch* Have no choice. *grunt grunt scratch* I club you over head now. *grunt grunt whack*
  5. It's too soon after the xmas shopping season - I'm too busy paying off credit cards to do any serious gift shopping.
  6. Have you seen how much flowers cost on v-day??!!
  7. Any occasion that has the same initials as the sometimes byproduct of a sexual encounter (Valentines Day / Venereal Disease) is stupid.
  8. If it wasn't a stupid holiday I wouldn't have to go to work.
  9. You can't go to a restaurant on the 14th unless you make a reservation in advance. Or like to eat at 3pm. Or prefer to dine on Le Micky Dees.
  10. Families don't feel the need to congregate and consume massive quantities of food together on Valentine's day, like they do on non-stupid holidays
tuesday is chooseday

Would you rather...

1. uncontrolably burp loudly while meeting the queen of england OR fart silently, but deadly, while meeting the pope?

Let loose the silent but deadly. If no one hears it they'll have a hard time figuring out where it came from, especially with an old fart like the pope around. Old people are the perfect fart decoys.

"Dude! Do smell that? I think his holy popeness just farted!"

Just so long as its not too deadly. The pope is looking kind of fragile at the moment after all.

2. punch a stranger in the face OR kick your mother in the shin?

There's no way I'm kicking my momma so I'll be punching a stranger in the face. I'm sure they'll be deserving it, especially if I'm in one of my more pissy-er moods. :)

3. have a reputation for sleeping around OR a reputation for being a hermit?

I was going to pick the 'sleeping around' option because hey, then I'd have more friends! I'd be popular! Every pop clique needs at least one token hoochie slut and if I was Miss Hoochie Slut I would use my title for good. I'd reign with honor and dignity. And tight skimpy hoochie clothing. My inner hoochie momma is all giddy and shit just thinking about it.

But I think I'd rather be a hermit. And be known as That Crazy Hermit Lady. Because when I do make special guest appearances I'd could get away with all kinds of crap.

"She's wearing a muumuu and curlers at my pool party!!!"
"Well, she is That Crazy Lady after all. What did you expect?"

I'd be eccentric and kookie and when I don't want to be bothered by people I just turn the kookie meter up a notch. And just because I have the reputation of a hermit doesn't mean I have to be one.

"She's wearing a hoochie momma outfit at my pool party!!!"
"The nerve! Coming to the party wearing the same outfit as the host!"

4. live where the temperature never goes below 80°F (26°C) OR where it never goes above 60°F (15°C)?

I love the cold weather. Especially now that I'm not jumping into a pool for swim practice five nights a week (brr!). But the cold weather I love is southern California cold. I don't know if I could stand eastern snow cold. I like seeing snow up in the mountains, and that's where I want it to stay. Up in the mountains. Sure, it can come down to visit every once in awhile. I actually wish it would visit more often. But I want it to treat me like a child who can't stand visiting its mother for too long, but feels obligated to visit every once in a while. I'd like the snow to stop by for a day or two, once or twice a year, and then leave and find someone else to pester.

So where would I rather live? Even though I love the cold weather, if it never got above 60 I think it'd be too cold for me. I've lived in humid-over-100-degree towns before and know I can survive, so I'd rather live in the above-80 place.

Friday, February 04, 2005

I do good, and look good doing it.

Scarlett: Counter-Intelligence Agent

You're Scarlett, Counter-Intelligence agent and the
first female Joe! You've seen it all in your days as
a member of the team, and you keep on coming back
because you know you can do some good. Oh, and you've
either got the hots for Duke or Snake Eyes, depending
on your preference over the cartoon or the comic.

Which GI Joe Hero are you? brought to you by Quizilla

Ooh! I've always wanted to be a counter-intelligence agent!

And be called Scarlett.

And have the hots for a guy named Snake Eyes.

I gots the goodest English skillz. Really, I does!

When I was writing up yesterday's post I couldn't remember when it had started getting so windy around here. (Yesterday? Couple days ago? Five years ago?) So I asked Mr. Desk-Neighbor if he knew. And right in the middle of my question my brain let loose this big ol' brain fart and I couldn't think of what to say.

Words eventually came out of my mouth; words, thankfully, that were at least related to the topic of my question (bonus point!), but they weren't the best words to use in the situation. Or any situation where you want to sound at least semi-intelligible.

Unfortunately this is a common occurrence here in loonyville. Usually I don't end up sounding so stupid, but yesterday... well...

I turned to my Desk-Neighbor and said, "Was it yesterday when it... uh... started winding much?"

Started winding much?

I couldn't think of how to phrase what I wanted to say so my brain spits this out instead? WTF?

English is the first language I learned. Really, it is. It just doesn't always seem that way.

And last night, I showed the HB an ad for a really cheap bookshelf (Big Lots rocks) and started to say, "We need another bookshelf."

I got as far as, "We need another-"

Then my brain went all: 'Your time is up. To complete your sentence please deposit another fifty cents. Or hang up and try again.'

I forgot the word 'bookshelf'. I couldn't believe it! My mind totally blanked on me. And for a lot longer than it usually does too!

I looked up at the bookshelf in our living room and started waving my right arm at it frantically. I tried to stare it into submission ('Tell me what you're called dammit!') and couldn't stop until the word came to me.

"-bookshelf! We need another bookshelf!"

I blame it on the headache I couldn't really feel but know was lurking around in my head just the same. Stupid brain.

Maybe it's a tumor.

No. No, its not a tumor.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

I'm just a sneeze junky looking for my next fix

I think I might have more allergies than I once thought I might have had. Now, this isn't just a random thought about allergies (as fun as though can be) because you see, I've been sneezing a lot lately (lately = since yesterday). It's happening more often than your normal, random hey-where-the-hell-did-that-sneeze-come-from type of sneeze. So its caught my attention. I've been sneezing like that woman in the sneezing/orgasm/pepper joke (but without the pleasant side effects) which means my sneeze quotient as of late (late = since yesterday) is A LOT. (A LOT being a very scientific term. Try it yourself sometime. Like at a dinner party with snooty guests. You'll look supa smart!)

This (the sneezing, I'm talking about sneezing... you're still with me here, right?) is not necessarily a bad thing because I quite enjoy sneezing. Except, of course, when I'm driving. When you're operating heavy machinery on a street/highway/playground it's never a good time for involuntary eye squinching.

I just hope it stops here, right at the Sneezing Stage. Though come to think of it, my eyes have been feeling a bitch scratchy lately (lately = past week). Damn you allergies! Damn you to the slowest moving DMV line possible!

At least I think it might be allergies. I'm not quite sure. Big gusty winds have been blowing around here for about two days now (I don't know if they're the infamous Santa Ana monster winds or just plain jane monster winds. With gusts up to 60 mph! Holy crap!). People with allergies complain every time these winds blow because it messes with their allergies and they get all snotty and aching and shit. Me, I love when these winds blow through town because they take the icky dirty smog with them. The sky looks so clean and blue right now. It's bea-U-tiful! And... *gasp* ...I can see the mountains! I forgot there were mountains RIGHT FREAKING THERE just a few miles north of here! Silly ol' smog, hiding the mountains like that.

Anyway, where the hell was I... oh yeah. Winds. So powerful make-you-think-that-semi-is-going-to-fly-into-your-lane winds started blowing yesterday. And that's when the sneezing started. I sneezed at least 7 times at the office. How do I know that? I was keeping track. Out loud. Much to the chagrin of my officemates *snicker* But then they all went home and it was no longer fun counting out loud every time I sneezed so I lost track after 7. But I sneezed a few more times before going home, and sneezed a few times at home. I have never sneezed that much before. Boy, it was fuuuuuuuun!

The sneezing hasn't stopped, and neither has the gusty winds, but both have quieted down a bit today. Is all that coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe I'm developing sneeze-inducing allergies. Oh, that would be awesome. Unless, of course, sneezing is the marijuana of the allergy kingdom.

Could sneezing be the gateway drug to more heinous afflictions?

Eek! I sure hope not.

*goes outside on a 'coffee' break to try and catch some allergy pollen with the nose holes*

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

An Open Letter To The Idiots At My Job

Dear Idiots At My Job,

If you're being a moron, go away.

I have no time for you.


Shoo shoo shoo moron fly.

If you suffer from random moments of stupidity, well, that doesn't count. Because I have more than a fair share of stupid moments and I can totally sympathize.

But if you're being a moron just for Saint Moron's sake, and you're asking me inane questions about something that doesn't matter, something that I've probably already explained to you before, then shut the f@$& up because you're annoying me and I don't have the time or the patience or the sanity to deal with you today.

You have a problem. I get that. But what you don't get is that I can't help you right now. You created your own problem and I, being the wonderful and helpful person that I am, will explain to you what the solution is.

But I will do it later.

Much later.

Here, take a number. See that number? It's a 7 and a 4 right next to each other. That makes it number 74. After I'm done fixing number 73's problem it'll be your turn. But you see this? I'm on problem number 32. So it's going to be awhile before I get to your shit.

So go away and stop bothering me. I've got more important things to do than listen to your jibber jabber nonsense talk.

Your Friend And Colleague and Master of All Things Knowledgeable,

~ L

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Ten Words/Phrases You Love to Use

  1. scurvy
  2. frell
  3. beeyotch (is there a correct spelling for this somewhere?)
  4. dude
  5. ah crap and a half!
  6. spiffy
  7. whATever!
  8. persnickety
  9. bingo!
  10. ... but you can call me Madame Fantastic

At least the muthafugga's got good taste

(I started to type this up yesterday, really I did, but yesterday was a bad day for all things extra curricular. Today's not all that better, but oh well... fug it!)

So here's the main reason for the previous post that sort of ran wild on me. It's car update time!

In Friday's post I talked about how my car was in the shop. I worried about the worst, but believed the best would triumph. And it did. The HB and I went and picked up my car Friday afternoon and Mechanic Guy had us test drive it first to make sure everything was working right. I was super hyper sensitive to every sound and movement my car made, and while I knew this, I still couldn't help pointing out every little sound and weird movement the car made. "Oh, what was that? That sounds kind of odd. Did you feel that?"

The HB, with the patience of a world record holding card tower stacker, said to me such things as, "No honey, that was just a pot hole. The car is not falling apart." I tell ya, the man is a saint.

So my car works again. Yeah!

After the test drive we went back to the shop and Mechanic Guy explains to us how all he did was tighten the hell out of some belts and that it will work fine from now on. At least until I run over another huge piece of metal. Ha ha! You're so funny Mechanic Guy!

Mechanic Guy didn't charge me for this second visit, which was awesome. Maybe because he didn't fix it right the first time. Maybe because the HB mentioned he'd drop his car off next for a little repair he'd been putting off. Maybe he was feeling guilty about something. More on that later.

So the HB left his car with Mechanic Guy and we drove home in mine. The car that was working again.

*does little happy jig*

A couple hours later we went back to pick up the HB's car. That's when I noticed my CD was gone.

Yes. That's right. My CD? Gone. No here-o no more-o.

The HB was talking with Mechanic Guy and I was sticking around to make sure the HB didn't need me to drive him back home or anything. I reached back to my junk cluttered back seat for my CD walkman (I have the whole CD walkman adapter set up because I'm slow in upgrading to the granny-smurf-low rider-mobile to the 21 century) and noticed the CD I know I was listening to just an hour before I dropped my car off was missing. Strange, that was. I looked, repeatedly, throughout my car but it wasn't in the CD case or on the floor or under the cluttered junk of the back seat. It wasn't back at home because I never would have brought it in without the case. And I was too frazzled driving home to even bother taking the CD out. So since it wasn't anywhere in the car, and since I know for a goddamn fact I was listening to the CD just an hour or so before I took the car in (I was listening to it when my car started freaking out again!) there's only one thing that could have happened (excluding any reason including aliens or time traveling or immature radioactive samurai slugs)... someone stole my CD!!!

I couldn't believe it! I still can't, really. One of the mechanic guys stole my CD! It's not like they stole change from the change tray*. Unless you're anal enough to know exactly how much loose change you have in there you'll never be certain if someone nicks a few nickels. So I can understand them stealing change, but a CD? That I'm going to notice is missing probably before a handful of change? WTF??!!!

Oh I was sooooo pissed off when I got home. The HB thought I was being silly, getting all worked up over a silly CD. (Which sort of pissed me off a bit more because aren't boyfriends supposed to share in your righteous indignation? No? Well they should dammit.) I tried to explain how violated I felt, because my personal space had been invaded, rifled through. And a CD that had an inside joke written on it was stolen. And being looked at and fondled by someone else. I said to the HB, "Look, I thought about storming the garage and raising all holy hell and demanding which asshole stole my CD. But I didn't. Because it is just a stupid CD after all. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be pissed off about it!"

I got over it. Mostly. But the thought of it still irks me some.

So some fucker stole my CD. But the bright side? My car works. And if Mechanic Guy had charged me for the repairs it would have cost more than a handful of change* and a CD.

So it's all good in the neighborhood and all that shit.

* Actually, I think they might have stolen some change. I looked at the change tray yesterday and noticed I only had three pennies in there. I'm pretty sure I had more change in there, but I'm not positive. Bastards.