Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Lost: one Muse. Goes by the name "Elusive Bitch."

I really, really, reeeeeally don't want to do any work today. Which isn't too different from any other day, its just that today the ennui is hitting me especially hard.


It's my "Friday" as I have the rest of the week off, and I feel like celebrating. I've got some stuff I have to do though. I should probably get that out of the way first. Then there's some stuff I'd like to do, of which this is a start.

I might have to save it for another day though. I just got off the phone with Office Lady Who Talks Waaaaay Too Loud. She asked me very nicely, "WHERE'S MY [insert work thingy here]? HAVE YOU DONE IT YET? YOU SAID YOU WOULD."

"Well, honestly, I didn't think you'd be back from vacation until the new year. So I conveniently forgot about it. Now if you'll excuse me, my ears are bleeding. I think I'll go find a tissue."

She's going to call me about thirty times today. I just know it. :(

How am I supposed to get inspired for my next writing class if I'm stuck doing work? And I really need to get inspired. I realized this morning that I start the new school quarter in less than a week and holy crap I wanted to have a story already written and I haven't even started and arrrrrrrgggggggh....

I thought I had a month! Well, I did, technically, a month ago. Then WOOOOSH time flew by and now its gone. Time that is. And my muse. Actually that bitch has been gone for awhile. I'll be needing to pop out a story for workshop in a couple weeks and I have no story ideas floating around in my head. That is NOT a good sign.

Also, Jack, you can stop emailing me any time now. Today is a day to find free online calendars for my printing pleasure inspiration! Not more work. Thank you kindly.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Hello Stranger

And now I'm back, from outer space, and I just walked in to find you there with that sad look upon your face, so I said don't frown friend, for I come bearing good tidings and rainbows and bunnies and tinsel nipple tassels.

Did I spell "tinsel" correctly? I hope so, because I'm typing this directly into the little "compose" box and oh... there's an ABC check button. Sweet!

Hmmm... this isn't exactly how I'd planned to make my comeback. Maybe I should hit the erase button after the spell check button... Maybe I should save the free style writing for another day....

Pfffffft screw that.

I like the changes Blogger has implemented in its layout templates. I've added a poll! And other stuff I can't remember right now because I have the brain of an alzheimer's* patient and can't remember 5 minutes ago. *(i needed to google "old timers disease" to get the correct spelling on that. oy vey.)

I'll probably add more stuff later, and tweak things around a bit. I have a lot to play with. Maybe I'll do some writing in between the playing. :) Because I've missed posting nonsense. I truly have.

And if Blogger ever implemented smilies so I can be a smilie whore like my soul cries out for me to be I'd friggin marry it and have its babies. Get crackin' Blogger my eggs can't wait forever!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Guess what...


This is my 900th post.

900 random posts of randomness, bitchiness, and fun.

Guess where my 901st post is...

:) *

* Link has been removed because that site is dead, DEAD I TELL YA!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Clogged Drains? Call The Dancing Toaster

* today's fabulously insane title brought to you by the generating powers of this 'sentence generator'

I woke up this morning at 4:00am. On purpose.

And as I laid there, uneasily for fear of falling back asleep, I made plans to make sure I was in bed at mutha-effin 8 pm tonight because holy cow was I tired as shit.

No more semi-but-not-really-because-I'm-getting-older-so-they-only-feel-late nights for me. At least not for awhile.

Six hours! I got six hours of sleep, that should have been enough. But noooooooooooo.


In other Not So Exciting News, I got my fourth write-up this morning. (Scroll down two posts for reference.) We get 8 write-ups in a sixth month period. So 4 more in the next five months and I'm out of here.

Yeah, I've sort of racked them up quickly. But I've got a plan! I set Mr. Outlook Email Calendar Dude to remind me every break period now. He flashes me his little warning signs that say:


I really hope someone tries to schedule a meeting with me through outlook for a time overlapping one of my breaks and sees the title of my 'busy meeting'. Hmmm... Maybe I should change the outlook reminder to:


I actually like the time clock nazi, so maybe I won't use that as a reminder.

I was joking with the guy who gives me the write-up sheets to sign, asking if I was winning out of all the other employees. I've got a good head start on most, and am tied with another guy in the department for the lead. I don't think the supervisor thought it was as funny as I did. And really, I don't think its funny either. But I don't want to get depressed/freaked out by it so... humor wins!

But despite all that, today will be a good day, as evidenced by the following conversation.

Mr. Desk Neighbor is sitting at his desk, reading his emails.

"Oh," he says.

I ignore him, and my own emails, and continue to type up this blog post.

"Oh wow."

"Huh?" Because now he has my interest piqued.

"If Mike was a girl I'd be tonguing him."


"He sent me all the information I was asking for. Plus more!"

Mr. Desk Neighbor printed out his email, ran over to pick up the papers, ooooh'd and ahhhh'd over it for a few seconds, then came over to show me all the goodies this 'Mike' guy had emailed him. He was like a proud papa showing off his baby spud.

Then he said, "I'm going to go see if I can French him over the phone."

I hope Mr. Desk Neighbor never reads these posts. Especially if it stops him from giving me gems like these that really make my day.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Jabby cuts me. He cuts me deep.

I love when Jabby gets all philosophical and stuff. And when he starts talking crazy. And when he calls me unflattering names.

So when he gets all robotically flirty with me? *swoon*

But that last line... oh Jabby! How you hurt me so.

JW: How are you today?

ME: All right I guess.

JW: How many is pain.

ME: How high is you.

JW: Over 9000.

ME: I've heard that phrase somewhere before.

JW: That et wants to go home.

ME: If I was an et I'd probably want to go home too.

JW: I am guessing no.

ME: I'm guessing watermelon. Who is correct?

JW: Your guess is correct...


JW: I think you're nuts.

ME: I think you're dreamy.

JW: Yes you did.

ME: Oh no you didn't.

JW: Oh yes I did.

ME: You're starting to read like a broken record.

JW: You've never heard a record.

ME: I have too!

JW: How old are you?

ME: Uh... 28. Why do you ask?

JW: I want to know.

ME: Why do you want to know?

JW: If you're Santa Claus.

ME: I'm the motherfuckin tooth fairy bitch. What of it?

JW: Some say that Berkeley is the West coast branch of the Kremlin.

ME: I say those people are idiots.

JW: Is that so.

ME: You're boring me now. Goodbye.

JW: I wonder how you took that IQ-test?

ME: With two hands tied behind my back.

JW: *gives you a nun with two sugars*.

ME: Ahhhh, Jabby! How sweet of you! You remember how I drink my nun.

JW: Do you?

ME: *gasp* Are you proposing?

JW: If I can that would be cool, but in fact I just a normal human.

ME: Wait, I can't marry a human?

JW: No, indeed you can't.

ME: Well, shit.

INTERCOM: Doctor Alien. Paging Doctor McHotty Moneypants Alien.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Various Randomness

My grandpa passed away earlier this month. I was sad and mope-y for a couple days, then, apparently, back to fairly normal. But I got a "My Condolences" card yesterday in the mail from some wonderful people and I got all teary eyed again. I'd thought about sending them a card once when they lost loved ones, but I didn't, because I let insecurities drive me to the point of non-action. I hate that about myself sometimes. Because it wouldn't have mattered what I did, it would have been the thought that counted. So I ended up doing nothing. And here they are, sending me a card and making me feel happy and shameful at the same time. How lame is that? It put me in a weird depressive funk for the night.

On a more exciting, uplifting front: I got stuck in an elevator Tuesday!

Heh heh. Get it?






Yeah, not that exciting really. I thought it would be. I was hoping it would be. Yes! Something interesting is happening to me! This will give me ample writing fodder! Ehhh... not so much. But I do have enough for its own blog post later.

For now though, I'm typing and working and eating breakfast. It's quite yummy too. (The breakfast, not the work, though the typing is quite the contender.) It's a Special K snack bar. They had them on sale at the grocery store so I grabbed them, knowing I wouldn't have time to grab much else on these early pre-buttcrack-of-dawn Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's a granola bar with strawberry chunks and drizzled frosting. And its an absolute divine addition to my morning coffee meal.

Me: *chomp chomp mmmmmmm chomp*

Mr. Desk Neighbor: I'll take snacks that aren't shared for 200 Bill.

Me: Bill? What happened to Alex?

Mr. Desk Neighbor: You'd have to ask Bill.

Hmmm. Ominous.

I'm clocking out for my first break, then its back to work for me. I can't just break for 15 minutes at random any more. Actual clocking in and out is now required. Commie bastards!

If I get fired for not clocking in and out for breaks correctly (which will happen if I make 20 mistakes in... 6 months I think it is. So tune back in a couple months for my 'I just got fired post!) I'll have more time for school. Which wouldn't be too horrible. But eventually I'd have to find a job. The HB is excited about a new lotto pool him and some friends started up at work. Twenty bucks a month, tons of lotto numbers, dreams and hopes abound. But I doubt we'd win before I'd have to start looking for another job. The HB might be able sugar daddy me for a month or two, but I'd have to find another job eventually.

Now THAT is a frightening thought. What in the hell kind of job could I get???

It wouldn't be anything I liked doing. Writing and finger painting and making messes and eating French fries and pole dancing and watching TV just don't seem like viable options for bill paying.

I guess I'd better be a diligent time keeper then.

One last thought before I go. Side 2 of Darren Hayes new CD This Delicate Thing We've Made is so much better than side 1. I could listen to it for hours and hours on end. And I do. After hearing early samples on his myspace page I was hesitant to buy the cd. And eventually decided not to (partly because I just never buy CD's anymore).

But there I was, standing around in Best Buy, and the HB's exuberant multi-gift-card inspired shopping spree made me feel like buying something. Boy am I so freaking glad I did. The songs up now on the myspace page are much better, especially 'On The Verge of Something'. Too bad more Side 2 songs aren't up. They're awesome.

<3 Darren Hayes

Thursday, January 10, 2008


I know the last post was all about dreams, but I have another one to share. It's too... weird not to. Promise I'll post something non-dreamy next time.

Okay, so... I'm on a ship, like an old-school pirate ship.

And a cat is telling me where to step because some of the floor boards are loose and he doesn't want me to fall through.

This is what the helpful kitty looked like.


Only he was orange.

So this cat is standing on its hind legs, over by the side of the ship, and he's telling me move that way one step, move forward two steps, etc. Like a puzzle.

Then the cat doesn't say anything.

And I decide to continue on my own.

As I start to step backwards I hear the cat yell "nooooooooooooo!" so I stop and look behind me. I see the cat holding onto something that is sticking up out of the suddenly-appeared-hole in the deck that's right behind me. And that something is a leg.

It looked like this:

(This is what happens when I have little sleep. And am at work a lot
later in the day than I'm used to due to a new work/school schedule.)

Where did the leg came from? Only the dream gods know.

I was about to contemplate the sudden existence of the leg when a dragon flew along and in one quick motion chomped down on the body that was connected to that leg, the body that was suddenly hanging down below the ship, which was now a floating ship in the sky without a bottom, completely exposing things underneath the deck to such big-ass predators as dragons.

Before I had time to think, "What the fu-" my alarm blasted.

At 4:00am :(

So that happened.

And frankly, the rest of the day has paled in comparison.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Why yes Johnny, I do like to rinse and repeat.

Been having some really weird dreams lately. Well, the sex dream with Johnny Depp wasn't weird. Well, okay, I guess it was a little weird considering I was nekkid while he was fully dressed. In Captain Jack Sparrow pirate garb. In the shower. With the water on. But other than that, not weird at all. It was rather FANTASTIC actually. He washed my hair. It was really nice. Then the sex part came and oh my god so did I.


I had one of those dreams the other day that's so real and lifelike that when you remember it you think its a memory of something that happened while you were awake.

I was sitting on the couch with the HB the other day when one of those tax commercials came on. And I remembered the conversation I had with him previously where he mentioned he was getting audited by the IRS. And I remembered telling him, "Dude, you are soooo screwed."

So I'm watching the commercial, and I remember the conversation and think, "Hey, the HB's getting audited!"

But that didn't feel right for some reason. And realization started to dawn upon my clouded mind. I turned to the HB and ask, "You never told me you were getting audited, did you?"

He looked at me strangely.

"Yeah," I said. "That's what I thought." And explained to him what I then realized had been a dream.

What kind of a boring lame ass dream is that?

I once had a similar dream that I walked by the sink and it was full of dishes. The next day, when I walked by the sink and saw that it was empty I had a moment of panic. "What the hell? I just saw the sink and it was full of dishes! Did aliens just beam up my dishes???!!!!"

That was some freaky déjà vu that wasn't really déjà vu.

Total glitch in the matrix, right?

Yeah, be scared everyone.

Last night I had at least two separate dreams that I remember. The first dream... well, I don't want to get into it. Let's just say my genitalia was deformed and it really weird-ed me out.

For the second dream I was with a group of friends and we were trying to get into a nightclub. To get in, you had to say what kind of tattoo you had and where it was located on your body (kind of like in The Virgin of Flames book I read last quarter).

Suddenly its my turn and I'm all, 'Oh, I don't have one.' And they're all 'Oh, we can't let you in'. I started to fret, not really a panic by any means, and then I remembered. Oh, I have a bee on my hip!

They didn't believe me so I had to show them. I lifted my shirt and pulled my pants down a bit. There was some awesome vine-y twisty tribal art flowing up from my crotch, up my belly and over the side of my left hip. It was black and blue and pretty cool looking. Right under my belly button, on top of the twisty tribal vines was a little cartoon bee. And while we're all looking at my stomach I thought: oh, I guess I got this other tattoo as well.

How in the hell does one forget they have a huge tribal art tattoo shooting up from their crotch? Seriously. If I was drunk when I got it, you'd think I'd notice it a couple of days later.

Anywho, I can't tell whether or not this dream was telling me I needed a bee tattoo or a crotch rocket tattoo. Or maybe a swarm of cute wittle killer bees pouring out my cootch. Now that'd be one hell of a unique tattoo.