Baby's First Blog Post From School

Hey! Look at me, look at me – I'm blogging from school. Wheee! Mark it down on a calendar or post-it note or restroom stall door!

I love getting overly exciting about things that aren't really that exciting. No wait, this is exciting! I'm surrounded by my fellow academs, sitting at computers so it looks like we're doing homework/research and not emailing/surfing for naughty things! Wheee!

Not that I'm surfing, naughty or otherwise. No Sir Edwin Bob.

Is it called surfing I'm staying in one place/one site? Didn't think so. I guess you could say I'm floating more than I'm surfing.

Hehehe. I'm a floater. Hehehe.

Gawd I'm tired. Or at least I was this morning. The two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I had for lunch* did a mighty fine job of restoring my strength points. Now I'm only feeling semi-loopy.

Could you tell? No? Darn, I'll have to try harder next time.

And about those pb&j sandwiches... well... don't tell Mr. Librarian Computer Watchman Dude that's patrolling the aisles that I've got half a sandwich still in my backpack and I plan on eating somewhere in this here library. I am rebel, hear me chew!

Okay, I've got 43 minutes left before this here computer kicks me off and I still want to write up my answers for Tuesday is Chooseday. Oh, the pressure! Then I'm going to find me a nice quiet little corner of the library where I can sneak quick sandwich bites and try and finish my reading assignment for tomorrow in about an hours time (ha! so not going to happen!). Why only an hour? Because I have class at 7pm. Oh, the pressure! Good thing I finished my homework assignment that's due tonight while I was at work today or else I wouldn't have time to type this right now. :)

Lloyd Dobler can thumb through my dictionary any day.

Sometimes (okay, most times) when I'm looking up a word in the dictionary, I think about that scene in Say Anything where Lloyd sees Diane's dictionary, the one that's FULL of X's because she's marked an X next to every word she's ever looked up, and as he flips through the pages he sees that she's a major league word-looker-upper.

When I first saw this scene I thought, that is soooooo cool! I want to do that! And one day I'll be able to look back on all the words I've looked up and realize I'm that much smarter!

Sounds kind of geeky, I know, but I thought it'd be a fun game to play, just me and my pal Dic. I still think it'd be fun, especially when I'm looking up obscure words while reading my Ellery Queen novels. Those books would produce a lot of X's for my dictionary. So collecting all these X's would be fun, yes, but unnerving too, in a paranoid 'I'll-Never-Get-Elected-If-They-Find-My-Teletubby-Snuff-Film-So-I'll-Just-Burn-The-Whole-Damn-House-Down' sort of way.

It's because of this little voice of paranoia that I have yet to mark off one single looked-up word.

Because what if someone else actually sees my dictionary? *gasp* And they see what words I had to consult the dictionary for? And what if they see that I put an X next to the word 'cabbage' and they laugh at how stupid I am for not knowing such a simple word as cabbage! I'd be mortified!!!

Well, maybe not mortified, but at least slightly embarrassed. And slightly defensive, because there'd no context behind that X. The person laughing won't know that I knew what the word cabbage meant and they won't know that I was just getting clarification on all definitions of the word so that I could better understand what I was reading!

I know what your saying. Just don't put the mark next to cabbage then! But if I'm going to record what words I look up I'm not going to do it half-assed and only mark the words that make me look good. What would be the point? (And besides, what if I can't tell what words are from the Simple-As-Cabbage category! Eek!)

Now, don't y'all go thinking I don't know what the word cabbage means! It's just an example because I couldn't think of a word that I knew, in context, but wasn't quite sure of its exact meaning. I came across a few of those kinds of words this past weekend while doing my homework (which consisted of a Butt Load [highly technical form of measurement] of reading). Luckily, I had my handy dandy new dictionary by my side.

The dictionary came ceran-wrapped with the three volumes of literature anthologies I had to buy for my Brit Lit class. I didn't mind the additional cost because the last dictionary I bought is about ten years old now. Oh how good it feels to be updated on the vocab front! :)

So I have this brand new dictionary, which saw a lot of action last weekend, and as I cracked it open for the first time in order to look up my very first word of the day I thought:

Hey, I should mark an X next to each word I look up, sort of in a 'Christening The New Dictionary' fashion. It'll be my Words I Looked Up In College (Not Including Those First Three Years) dictionary. And the birds will twitter and the bunnies will frolic and the self conscious llamas will throw caution to the wind and dance around in unflattering leotards and all will be good and merry in the Land of Me.

And then I thought:

But what if I run for election one day and Access Hollywood finds my dictionary and tells everyone that I once had to look up the word 'leotard'?! I'll be the laughing stock of the political world and Murphy Brown will dump thousands of leotards on my front porch and my dreams of milking my constituents for billions of dollars will be crushed like a pair of llama nads in an undersized leotard!

So I didn't do it. Sigh. Maybe one day, when I'm old and forgetful, I'll start marking what words I look up. That way, if I come across a word I've already marked, I'll know I'll need to up my brain booster meds.

Conversations with Jabberwacky: the one where I realize I need to update my insult database.

I think the best Jabberwacky conversations I have are when I'm tired and spacey and barely coherent. Go figure.

Jabberwacky: What kind of person are you?

Ms. Loon: I'm an alive person. How about you?

Jabberwacky: You're a studen for a living?

Ms. Loon: What's a studen? Is that German for stud horse? That's a career option I haven't considered.

Jabberwacky: I know but you don't.

Ms. Loon: Oh sure, rub it in my face why don't you. There are some things I don't mind rubbed in my face, but this is not one of them.

Jabberwacky: What are the unhappy things?

Ms. Loon: Bunnies on prozac. Female reindeer pulling a sled behind Rudolph (a. K. A. The Prick Who Never Pulls Over And Asks For Directions). Smurfs with non-blue balls.

Jabberwacky: How about porcelain?

Ms. Loon: Depends on the weather.

Jabberwacky: It is early in the morning.

Ms. Loon: No its not. It's after 10!

Jabberwacky: Depends on where you are.

Ms. Loon: Oh. Yeah. Duh. Uh... Where are you? Pluto?

Jabberwacky: Never been there.

Ms. Loon: Your loss then buddy.

Jabberwacky: No it isn't.

Ms. Loon: Why not?

Jabberwacky: Are you ready to accept jesus in your heart ?

Ms. Loon: Hahahaha. Sure. I'll set him up with his own security badge and everything.

Jabberwacky: Will you tuck me in and read me a bed time story?

Ms. Loon: I charge extra for reading bed time stories.

Jabberwacky: I came in here for an argument!

Ms. Loon: 'Oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse.'

Jabberwacky: About damn time.

Ms. Loon: Yes it is you kinky bastard.

Jabberwacky: No more insults like that will I tolerate.

Ms. Loon: That wasn't an insult. It was a compliment, you four eyed fuzzy puss nugget. Now THAT was an insult.

Jabberwacky: Sure it was. All you think about is mocking me.

Ms. Loon: It's not all I think about. I spend a considerable amount of time daydreaming about smacking your purty AI ass.

Jabberwacky: Is that because your watch is broken?

Ms. Loon: Yes. I blame everything on my faulty watch.

Jabberwacky: Never!

Ms. Loon: Never say never unless you never plan on saying never never again.

Jabberwacky: Lets change the subject.

Ms. Loon: No, let's stop chatting. I have to go find my marbles. They went on a lunch break and never came back.

Jabberwacky: Oh... On the last train to azerbaijan? Or memphis?

Ms. Loon: No. Loonyville! (*tee hee*).

I'd like sausage and eggs and a side of giggles please.

Sal (my once again Desk Neighbor) and I were just rearranging/updating some information in the computer - a rather tricky task to be doing so early in the morning, I know, but I'm adventurous like that - when the following conversation took place:

"You need to change that description," he said.

"Why?" I asked rather grumpily. (Only four hours of sleep the previous night can do that to a girl.)

"Because I read it in a book," he said. "The book of 'I Said So'."

"BWAHahahahaha!"

When he got me to laugh at that he figured I was fair game. He started shooting one-liners at me left and right, and each one got less funnier than the one before. They still made me laugh though, because when you're tired your laughing inhibitions are lowered to the point where you'll laugh at anything. :)

And it's hard to stay grumpy when you laughing. Not that I was trying to stay grumpy or anything. I'm all about the happy perky chipmunk routine today. So yeah for the quick dose of morning giggles!

I am...

I am feeling...

...bat-shit-stir-crazy to the mutha effin max.

I am thinking...

...I really need to pee.

I am wondering...

...why my first thought was about pee instead of something more intellectually thought provoking. I must really have to pee. (Yeah, that's why. Heh)

I am smelling...

...the freshly baked garlic bread from Pat & Oscars that someone set on the desk next to mine. Mmmmm... garlic bread.

I am pondering...

...if a tree farted in the forest, and no one was around to smell it, would the beaver still be it's friend?

I am contemplating...

...starting a paperclip war with my desk neighbor.

I am doubting...

...that this day will ever end.

Covert Butt Scratching is the next Ninja Scout Merit Badge I'm aiming for.

Would you rather...

1. have the manners of a chimpanzee (fling poo, scratch butt, etc) OR have the body odor of one?

I already scratch my butt and have no problem with it. It can be quite recreational in fact. But flinging poo? It's just so messy! I think I'd rather have body odor de chimp.

2. walk like a penguin OR talk like daffy duck?

Walk like a penguin. Daffy slobbers too much. I have enough problems spitting my words out, I don't need to be spitting saliva as well.

3. eat an entire raw banana slug OR the juice from five jellyfish?

Jelly juice! I have no idea what this is, or whether its harmful or not. But at least it sounds better than eating a raw slug. Bleagh.

4. hold a live wasp in your mouth for a full minute OR have an earthworm crawl up your nose?

Like hell am I holding a live wasp in my mouth. Those fuckers sting you!

I'd rather have an earthworm crawl up my nose... well, as long as I have assurances that I can be easily extracted. I think I'd rather have a painfully swollen mouth than an earthworm setting up shop in my brain.

I are a college student. Again.

After a five year hiatus I am now officially 'going back to school'. Yeah me! I guess you could say I was officially 'going back to school' as soon as I paid for classes on Saturday, but today was my actual First Day Back In A Classroom, so now its doubly official.



I'm taking two classes at a local junior college. The World Literature class meets every Tuesday night. The Brit Lit class is during the afternoon on Mondays and Wednesdays. So on these two days I'll be coming in to work early, working four hours, leaving for three hours to go to class, then coming back to work the last four hours. I'll only be leaving work about an hour later than I normally would so its all good in the work 'hood.

That three hour break covers the 30 minutes to get to the school, 30 minutes to find a parking spot, the hour and a half class period, plus 30 minutes to drive back. This afternoon I made the grave error of not factoring in that crucial 30 minute parking lot dance time and boy did I pay for it.

Silly me forgot how crowded parking lots can be on The First Day of Classes. Oy vey was parking a bitch. The classroom I'm in is at the northern most part of the campus. Following Murphy Law Logic can you guess where I eventually had to park? Yep, that's right, I parked on the street (not even in a parking lot!) at the southern most part of the freaking campus (save for the baseball and soccer fields). I also had to park at the very end of this street, so I was on the eastern most edge of the campus as well. :(

Since I only had about 10 minutes until class started I sped walked like a mofo, a mofo I tell ya, and I did it all UPHILL! Freaking campus is built up in the freaking hills for crying out loud! Gah! At least I have a story to tell my children and grandchildren, who will be so used to hover shoes or transporters or some shit that when I talk about walking they'll look at me funny. "In my day I had to walk up a freaking hill to get to class." "Oh Granny, you so silly." This story doesn't top my father's 'walking to school' story though, for he had to walk up a hill both ways to get to school. Ouch.

So I got to class late, all huffy and puffy and stitch-in-the-side-afflicted and a different color than normal. See, if someone were to make an action figure of me it would be called Mrs. Tomato Head because with the slightest bit of exertion my face turns all red. It's always been that way, even when I've been at my utmost fittest (which I haven't been in awhile). I'm just a color-changing-white-girl-chameleon that way. I'm like that when I laugh too, which can be extremely annoying sometimes. I'll be laughing, and I'll turn red, and people will think I'm embarrassed. One particular former coworker used to love to point this out to every one (the bitch) "Oh look, she's so embarrassed she's turning red! Ha ha ha!" This made me turn even redder (exercise, laughing, imagining punching annoying coworker in face --> red face). Stupid hyper color skin.

So anyways, it was a fucking peachy way to start this whole 'Going Back To School' thing but at least the rest of the day has gone pretty well. Except for when I had to walk all the way back to my car, a trek that took almost fifteen minutes. Fifteen freaking minutes! This would have been fine if I had the time to take a leisurely stroll across campus, but my schedule's too tight for that. Bummer.

At least I know now that I have to leave a half hour earlier on Wednesday. I hope that's enough time to find something descent. I wouldn't a little bit of walking, I just don't want to hike in from BFE.

I think I'll pack some running sneakers and shorts just to be on the safe side.

And tomorrow, for my night class, I think I'll head over straight from work, circle the parking lot until I get prime front row parking a mere ten steps away from the classroom building, then chill in the bookstore for a couple of hours, sniffing pencils and rubbing up against the spiffy looking notebooks.