I've been called worse...

Okay, so I'm at work, and I hear there is a tin of cookies in my mailbox.

Sweet sauce!

I usually dislike the trek through the plant to the front offices where my mailbox resides, the front offices being upstairs offices, which means I have to tango-two-step up the stairs where only a thin pane of plastic keeps me from falling to my doom on the plant floor, but doesn't keep everyone from seeing the attempt of course (I have issues with stairs, no?)

But this time? It was all about the cookies!

I put my cookie blinders on and made a very un-bee like beeline to the front of the building (there's a lot of stuff to walk around).

And lo and behold, a tin of cookies! Plus a free calendar from some credit union bank. Merry Belated Christmas to me. Guess I should check my mailbox more often.

Anywhoo, I grab my mail (mainly consisting of Here-Fix-My-Problems) and the Tin-O-Cookies (tm) and start heading back. Only I work in a place where you're not allowed to have food in non-office areas. And this Tin-O-Cookies (tm) was all gussied up in crinkly plastic with a silver curly bow on top. Not easily hidden.

This one time, I was hungry, and bought a tin of tuna and crackers from the vending machine (yes, vending tuna - I'm adventurous!) and had to hide the tin of tuna down my pants, (had it wedged between the tummy rolls and the undies' elasto-band - ingenous!) because putting the tin in my pockets looked like I was caring around a can of tobacco, another no-no here. Actually, it didn't work down the pants, looked like I had a growth on my coochie. I ended up wedging the can of tuna between the boobs and walked through the plant hoping no one noticed the vague impression of a third boob.

This time, the Tin-O-Cookies (tm), which is the same size tin of holiday butter cookies you see in any store, was waaaaaaay too big to fit down my pants or wedge between the boobs. Well, it could fit down the pants, I'd just look like a weird-ass hunchbackfront and that would draw too much attention. And it was too poofy to smuggle with the boobs.

So I had to be covert.

So I grabbed two reams of printer paper and wedged the Tin-O-Cookies (tm) between it and my boob and placed the mail on top, as the clear crinkly plastic was poking out in an annoying Look At Me I'm So Pretty And Crinkly fashion.

Covert like a ninja!

I made it back with no one stopping me. Probably could have worn my clothes inside out and had cookies sticking out my nose and no one would have stopped me, but its always good to play it safe.

Ninja style!

So anyways, I get back to my desk with my loot and Mr. Desk Neighbor wants to see what's inside. Cookies, duh, but he wanted to actually see the cookies, because he got a tin too and wants to know if its worth the effort to retrieve them.

So I start to unwrap the Tin-O-Cookies (tm)... Now, I'm not anal about unwrapping paper wrapped gifts. I don't need to make sure the paper doesn't get ripped and is reusuable. I also don't like to make too much of a mess of ripping it to shreds because I'm usually the one picking up the mess afterwards. But this time, with the crinkly plastic and the curly silver ribbon, I wanted to take my time. I already knew what was inside, so I was going to enjoy the process.

Work Procrastination at its finest.

And in the process, it irritated antsy Mr. Desk Neighbor to no end.

MDN: Do you want a pair of scissors?
ME: No.

He stands behind me while I continue to tug on the ribbon tied around the crinkled plastic. It's slow going, tugging it a centimeter at a time. Tough little bastard.

MDN: Do you want a knife?
ME: Nope.

I attack it from a different angle, pulling the crinkly paper out of the silver ribbon's death grip.

MDN: My god, you're dial-up!

I about busted up laughing over that one. One more pull though and I freed the cookies, liberating them in time to get in my bellllllaaaaay.

So now I've got coffee, butter cookies, while the computer plays a CD of Charlie Brown Christmas music my cousin in-law made for me.

~ Heaven ~

Jingly Highlights

As Co-Worker Jack so kindly pointed out yesterday (before he *cough cough* called in sick a day after I suggested how awesome it would be if we called in sick *cough cough*) I've been depriving him of much blogging loon-y goodness.

'Tis a shame, as I'm sure all can agree.

So, as I sit here at my desk in the office all alone with no one to talk to and no one to hear me sing along with the Let's Only Play Christmas Songs radio station (which I'm so totally in the mood for now) or the I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas web site (which is best sung along with at the top of ones lungs) with a pile of work to do that I'd rather not be doing, I'm gonna type up a little Past Few Weeks Recap.

Hmmm... New Year's Resolution #1 just might be 'stop it with the annoyingly long sentences already!'

Anywhoo... on with the recap!

Went home for thanksgiving. (Sheesh, its been that long since I last posted!) Had much to be thankful for and all that blah blah blah warm mushiness.

Shopping at a mall on Black Thursday (day after turkey day) is fun when you're with family and friends, as long as one of those family members isn't your impatient grandmother who doesn't understand why the lines are so long and who flags down poor frazzled Denny's hostesses and demands coffee even though the friendly frazzled hostess said our friendly frazzled waiter would be there in just a moment with the damn drinks! (That scenario happened the year before, this year was grandma-free!)

Came back and finished the final projects for my two writing workshop classes. Got an A in the one class, have no idea yet what grade I'm getting in the other class. I'm pretty sure I'll get a passing grade, and sadly that's just fine and dandy with me right now.

Still haven't signed up for classes for Winter Quarter. Which... uh... start in less than two weeks. D'oh!

Some same-old-same-old's:
a) work continues to be busy and a major pain in my ass, which wouldn't be much of a problem if I wasn't getting less and less motivated to get it done
b) still addicted to a video game
c) still as broke as a spoke

Drove back up to my parent's house this last weekend for an All Girlfriend Xmas Bash. I <3 hanging out with my old high school girlfriends.

I also love "light bulb kisses".

Teaching a friend's kid a harmless yet potentially annoying bad habit is wrong. But fun.

Also fun? Emailing girlfriends at work about giving laundry elves as Christmas presents instead of doing work.


Well, that pretty much brings me up to today I guess, though I'm sure I'm forgetting something I should have mentioned. Hmmm....

Things to look forward to over the next few days:

Going to the mall with the HB tonight to finish up the Christmas shopping.

Starting a new book I've been dying to read (especially after hearing the HB ooh! and a-hah! like crazy while reading it these past few days),

Getting motivated to do some much needed laundry some time before Saturday.

Driving back up to my parent's house.
[ sarcasm ] Yay for holiday traffic! [ / sarcasm ]

Hanging with the girlfriends and the family again.

Mmmmm.... Is it Friday yet?

Ghosts and Quotes and The Art of Procrastination

Over at Jodi's site she's wondering if people believe in ghosts. I said that I do. I haven't seen a ghost myself, but I believe in the possibility.

I really enjoy hearing other people's ghost stories. Could they all be making them up? All be completely delusional? It's possible. Maybe. But I doubt it.

I was thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure my belief in ghosts came about after hearing a particular ghost story. I'm not sure how old I was, elementary/junior high-ish I think. I just remember that I was at my best friend's house, and it was either on or right before Halloween. My BBBF's father regaled us all with a story from his youth, of a time long ago when he was working in a... hmmm... I want to say a morgue... but that's not quite right. A mortuary perhaps... Anywhoo... He was really convincing and I totally bought everything he said. I looked up to him, trusted him, so why would he lie? :)

Looking back on it now, I realize he could have been shining us all on. Making up a story to entertain the little kiddies. Either way, I don't want to know the truth. I kind of like believing in the eeriness of that story. It was magical in away. But even if I did learn that it had all been made up I'd still believe in ghosts. I couldn't help it, it's just engrained in me to believe in the possibilities of it all.

Thinking of this as I was (and procrastinating at work very efficiently thank you very much), I was reminded of perhaps my favorite Shakespeare quote:

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Oh how I love that quote.

I wanted to find the exact wording, so I did a search and found my new favorite website, a wiki quote page!

*drool*

Quote of the Day from that site:

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?"
- George Eliot

I really enjoyed the books I had to read for my George Eliot class two quarters ago. I wish I had more time to read more of her stuff. Maybe I should take a Victorian literature class so I'll be forced to read them. Hmmm... or maybe not. :)

Here's a quote from Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury:

"Let you alone! That's all very well, but how can I leave myself alone? We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"

I loved this book when I read it. It was years ago and I can still remember the rush I got from reading it, the need to finish it without putting it down. I haven't read it since though. I'm kind of curious now to see if I'd enjoy it as much.

Here's a quote from one of my favorite movies, Groundhog Day:

"People like blood sausage, too. People are morons."

Classic! Oh, and another…

"Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you... but I'm not going to."

I remember the first time I watched this movie. I was home sick, my best friend had come over, and the two of us watched it with my mom. I cracked up like crazy person and my mom and the BBBF were all like, 'what's so funny'. Good times. :)

Here's a quote from the BESTEST CARTOON EVAH!!! Animaniacs:

Ms. Flamiel: Yakko, do you know how to conjugate?
Yakko: Who, me? I never even kissed a girl.

And...

"Citizens of Anvilania, I stand before you, because if I was behind you, you couldn't see me."

heh heh heh.

My brother and I would rush home from school and watch this show together. We'd recite "Good Idea/Bad Idea" sketches to one another all the time, and if someone missed an episode we'd be sure to tell them what the day's Wheel Of Morality's lesson was. And when this cartoon didn't win an emmy, and that stupid Rugrats show did, boy did we shout up a storm together about the injustice of it all. :)

Okay, one last quote. To further our work-day procrastinating, Jack and I have been in a little sci-fi tv show discussion. "Did you ever watch..." "Do you remember that episode where..." "Those bastards canceled that show early didn't they?"

One of my favorite Sci-fi Shows That Was Canceled Way Too Early was Special Unit 2. I tried looking for a SU2 page on the wikiquotes site, but they don't have one. Sigh. Guess its not my favorite new site after all. So anyways, I got this quote from imdb:

"Remember, guns don't kill people, gargoyles do."

Gawd, I loved that show.

Another Chapter In The Ongoing Saga of Me vs. Stairzilla

Yes folks its that time again for another round of...

Name!

That!

Burning Sensation!

[insert fabulously cheesy game show musical fanfare here]

The palms of both of my hands are stinging something fierce. Is it from...

a) humiliation

b) concrete burn

c) all of the above

If you guessed d) Lisa The Almighty Klutz tripped herself while climbing up stairs at school today! then you are correct. Your prize is in the mail.

Lisa: 0
Stairs: 542

Sigh.

So I'm at school today, and class was canceled, which was good considering that I'd seriously thought about skipping anyway, but bad because we're going to be really behind which means extra homework on a night I'll be busy instead of having the nice four day weekend to do it in.

But anyways, I'm walking back to my car, in between the old gym and the new gym they're building, and my mind is wandering. Can't remember what I was so busy thinking about, but I was completely distracted. Then I started to climb the stairs.

Which are really crap-astically built by the way. It requires very abnormal steps to climb them. Each step is about half the height of a normal stair. And they're far apart, so its either shuffle and take little baby steps or stretch more than normalcy requires and take two at a time. Either way feels weird.

No weirder than I must have looked flying through the air though, nearly doing a face plant on the concrete. Smackers! Luckily my hands were there to brace my fall. And my ego has an air bag which managed to deploy, so not too much damage there. Just a little bruising.

I swear, just a couple of days ago, while walking across my college campus, I was thinking about the time I tripped while walking across my high school campus, in front of the entire student body as we all headed out to the parking lot after school. And I thought to myself, just a couple of days ago, about how totally embarrassing it would be to do it here, at the college campus, where we're all supposed to be grown up and shit. Not awkward and clumsy and retarded and such.

As I tripped, that high school memory flashed through my mind. Thoughts that also flashed through my mind were: "ah crap" and "not again" and "noooooooooooooo!" and "good lord how many of my classmates are behind me". It's fascinating how you can have several thoughts whizzing through your brain simultaneously in a measly little second of time.

I tried to counteract my falling motion but my school bag threw me off (it's the bags fault! haHA!) and I skidded along the concrete. I then jumped up, walked a few steps to prove that yes, I could indeed walk like a normal person, then I "subtlety" turned around to see who all had witnessed my latest humiliation. Luckily only one person. Maybe. They had just exited the building and were going the other way. So maybe they exited after I'd jumped up like nothing had happened. Maybe. And no classmates had walked around the building behind me, thankfully, because most of them are super cool writer people and I'm quite goober-ish and come to think of it now, that might in fact be what had distracted me so, because I was thinking about their coolness as I left them all grouped together, being cool and hanging out together while they decided how to spend their free hour and a half.

Anyways, as the sigh of relief washed over me once I realized I wouldn't have nightmares of the faces of people trying to pretend they didn't see me fall, I realized my hands stung. Ouchies. The damn stairs even drew blood!

The bastards!

And then, to top it off, I get back to my car that I'd left in the hour parking slot (because it was hot and I figured I'd splurge on paying for a closer spot) and saw a frelling parking ticket on my windshield! Turns out I'd punched in slot number 9 when paying for my parking ticket instead of number 6, so even though I paid for two hours and was only there for a half hour, I've been fined 25 bucks.

I felt like such a moron when I figured out what was wrong, especially because I'd double checked to make sure it was a 9 and not a 6. I looked at the cars to the right of mine, and the spots said 8 and 7, and I must have been temporarily dyslexic because I thought to myself "7 and 8 so 9 is mine."

Grrrrrrr.

I'm so ready for this day to be over.

People/Things That Need To Be Slapped

People that like to listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving...

*slap*

The radio station that started playing nothing but frelling Christmas music last week...

*slap*

Idiot drivers...

*slap*

People that can dish out crap but can't quite take it...

*slap*

People that make plans only to get sidetracked...

*slap*

Mother "Ha Ha Let's Make You Sweat In November!" Nature...

*slap*

Psychics guest staring on radio stations giving happy cheesy generic advice...

*slap*

Mondays...

*slap*

My ass...

*slap*

(heh heh heh)

Disclaimer: This list is in no way complete. You may be on this list. You may not be. Be weary. Don't be a dumbass. And let it get cold already! Sheesh.

An Open Letter To This Morning's Jerkwad Driver

Dear Impatient Asshole With The Big Ass Truck,

It seems that you were in a bit of a hurry this morning! Boy, isn't that just the pits?!

Please except my sincerest apologies for moving into your lane several car lengths in front of your speedy little ass. When I merged onto the freeway I was in the next exit's off ramp lane and, silly me, I really didn't want to get off at the next exit!

Weird, huh?

And oh, can you ever forgive me for not speeding up to match your speed? I totally would have, really, if it hadn't been for the fucking line of cars right in front of me!

Silly drivers, driving slow in the slow lane! Pffffffffffft!

Seriously, did you think the cars in front of you were going to magically pick up speed? That would have been awesome!

You know, I bet those other four lanes of the freeway must have been really smelly, because they were completely open. That must be why you continued speeding along in your lane until you were so close I couldn't even see your headlights anymore.

That's an amazing feat by the way, considering your over-compensating truck was really high above the ground. So thanks for being so thoughtful! I really do hate it when headlights blind me from behind.

I hope the rest of you drive was just as peachy as mine. I'm figuring you had a long ways to go since you didn't get off at the next exit with the rest of us slow-lane drivers.

Anywhoooo, thanks for starting my day off right ya big prick!

Sincerely,
Loony
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

My Photonic Personality Absolutely Radiates

Mr. Desk Neighbor sits across from me, facing me, at a desk that's pushed up against mine. Kind of like the desks you see in tv-show police departments - you know, where partners vs. crime work together and have their desks pushed up against each other, the better to communicate with I guess - only with our desks, there's a mini cubicle wall set up in between. More push-pin surface room for hanging miscellaneous Dilbert cartoons I guess, so I don't mind it.

Mr. Desk Neighbor, on the other hand, minds that the mini-wall only extends from the wall to halfway across the length of our desks. To remedy this, when we first moved back here a couple of months ago, in an act of comic inspiration (desperation?) he taped/glued/wedged/erected a piece of cardboard to fill the remaining space. He calls it his "photon-shield".

Hey, whatever floats his boat I say. Makes it more challenging to lob over wads of paper/trash/empty coffee cups.

Some days he's quite jovial. Other days he's down right cranky. And when his hormonal cycle sways into mine it's a mess of fireworks in here. Fun times!

Now me? I'm as peachy as a tabby cat today. Mr. Desk Neighbor, on the other hand, is getting biotch slapped around a bit.

Poor Mr. Desk Neighbor.

I might not be helping much as I sing badly along with the radio, but hey, everyone has to play to their strengths, no?

A few minutes ago, Mr. Desk Neighbor walks up to his desk, reaches into his secret stash of random crap in the overhead storage cabinet, and grabs a bottle of advil.

He turns to me and holds the bottle up like he's practicing for a commercial ad.

"These are to make you go away," he says.

"Notice how the bottle is mostly empty?" he says, giving the bottle a little shake.

Then he cries in mock anguish, "You're still here!"

Is it wrong that that made my day?

Well, it did, until a few minutes later when Mr. Desk Neighbor calls up our lab department. When they answer (both are on speakerphone, mind you) he screams "Where's my crack?!" Ah, that never gets old, no matter how many million time he says it.

[Insert eye roll here]

There's more discussion, most of which I tune out. Then someone on the other end asks if Mr. Desk Neighbor wants to talk to Richard.

To which Mr. Desk Neighbor replies, "No, I don't like Dick!"

I nearly snorted donut sprinkles out my nose.