Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Tonight's Dream Theme: Things to Worry About! Yippee!

Dreams can be such a tease sometimes.

I don't remember much of last night's dream. Most of it faded away the minute I tried to recall it. If I wasn't so ticked off at the way it ended I might have been calmer, and therefore might have remembered more. And dude, I was ticked.

You see, I was having this dream, and in my dream I was with my family at some big family holiday gathering. We weren't at my grandparents old house (where most of the big family gatherings took place), at least not exactly. The dream had done a Dream Warp on it, contorting it just enough to make it look different, but still feel familiar.

So there I was, standing in the kitchen, noticing how old and feeble my grandparents were acting. Probably a subconscious manifestation of some conscious fear I have of how Old they are becoming. Yes, that's Old with a capital 'O'. A couple years ago they were old. But now they are ooooooold. My grandpa more so than my g'ma.

In my dream, I saw my grandpa (who can barely walk) stumble and fall to his knees. I think he tripped over something, but I can't quite remember what it was. I made the move to go help him, as several other family members did, but then we saw him try to pick himself up. We stopped and stood where we were. And watched him prove that he could do it himself. He could stand on his own two feet and be perfectly fine. Because he's supposed to be strong, damn it. He's Grandpa. Ornery and fun and full of life Grandpa. He's supposed to be okay. He's supposed to be able to walk and enjoy the years he's got left. In real life he would have needed all the help he could get.

I don't remember how my grandma acted weak in my dream, but I know I saw it. At the end of the dream my mom was on my right side with her arm around in me in a half hug. She had her head leaning on my shoulder. My grandma came up to me on my left side and gave me a hug as well. I remember that she was really close to me. Her face was really close to mine as she looked up at me and asked, "So what are you studying now?"

I knew she was talking about college, and I didn't want to tell her that I haven't gone back to school yet. I didn't know what else to say though, so I thought I'd tell her what I wanted to study in the future. Only problem was I had no freaking clue what that was. I mean, there are lots of options on the list, but none really jump up and down and scream 'pick me! pick me!' So I'm standing there, in my dream, in a three way hug with my mom and grandma, fretting over the fact that I don't know what I want to study, what I want to major in, when I suddenly remember something. I've already come up with the answer! Just a couple of days ago I suddenly realized what I want to be when I grow up!!!

This is where the dream gets exciting. At was if a part of me was on the edge of my seat, watching the dream, waiting for the Big Reveal. I was anxious for The Answer. Finally, a freakin' answer!

In my dream I smiled, looked down at my grandma, and began to tell her that I finally figured out what I want to do. "Grandma I want to..."

And then the fucking alarm goes off. Right. Fucking. Then. Right before I said the magic answer. The answer that will finally point myself in a direction, saying 'Do this! Duuuh!'


Can you fucking believe it??? The answer. Was right there. And I missed it. I was soooooo ticked.

Subconsciously I must have known what time it was, with some sort of internal clock or something, and timed the dream just right to it wouldn't have to give anything away. The only thing missing was a voice over by Ms Subconscious Announcer Voice: Stay tuned... will You be able to figure things out in time before the Jaws of Life eat you alive?... Will the Joker and Penguin get away with their dastardly plot against the good folks of Gotham city?... Will Robin ever show up in a dream as your devoted love slave?... you'll have to wait until next time... same batty time... same batty channel...

I wonder if I had the answer, and my subconscious decided I wasn't quite ready for the information (a la Farscape, which I've been watching lots of lately. Heh.) Or maybe I don't have the answer, in any conscious state, and ... oh I don't know, which, unfortunately, is the whole problem. If I do ever find out the answer in a dream, I hope I remember it. That would suck to find the answer in a dream, then wake up and not remember anything.

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