For my first action in office as your Evil Lord Dictator I declare today Stupid Question Day

does the healthy fruitiness of the raisins that i'm eating for lunch cancel out the carbonated sugariness of the dr. pepper that i'm drinking?

its a pretty good lunch, just the raisins and the dr. p. it really is. despite the fact that i'm consuming them at my desk. too much work. gotta keep on working! and it is such hard work being the evil lord dictator that i am. see, i demanded a sacrifice earlier, and my subjects have readily tried to appease me. they're sacrificing a village of virgin papers, all sheet thin and stark white and pure, into the mouth of the volcano Mount InkjetPrinter. the volcano sucks them in, deflowers them with a little bit of ink tattooing and then spits them back out.

so yeah, busy busy day.

i'm going to try and get out of here at 4 today so that i have time to go to the post office before it closes. they're holding some mysterious package for me because it didn't fit in my mailbox. i have an idea who its from, but i didn't order anything from them, so really need to go and pick it up so i can get mad and frustrated and cuss at them for being stupid. its been almost a week since i got the little paper notice and the not knowing who exactly sent it is getting on my nerves.

the mail people don't through mail away if you don't claim them in a timely fashion, do they? i hope not. that doesn't seem very post office-ily to me.

i've heard that you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, so i was wondering... what about the horsey's other orifices? i mean, if i'm given a horse i'm going to be weary about its origins. because who in their right mind would give me a horse. so i'm gonna wanna check it out, see if it has a big trap door in its tummy, see if there are any sneaky trojans hiding out inside. i've seen Troy. i know how that story ends! and its baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

just like the carbonation in this dr pepper. its making me want to burp. and that's baaaaaaaaaaaad. because i'm in an office with a bunch of guys that have never heard me burp before. its a special moment i want to save for a later date, until we've all gotten to know each other better. i guess i'm just old fashioned that way. :)

work is driving me crazy, and the bastards are doing it in run down little metro too

well, the auditeers are here. they arrived monday and this is the first break i've had to write this. well, i've had other breaks, but they've been rudely interrupted by the boss man coming in. very inconsiderate. so i've started this post a few times... and have quickly hit the little close x button a few times, which makes me look very busy. i think. either that or extremely guilty about something.

so the auditeers are here. and they aren't as scary as i thought they'd be. they're horns are hardly noticeable and the scales only cover about half of their bodies. :)

on monday morning, around 8:30, i saw the Auditeers walk up to the front door. and the idea to leave the front offices and walk all the way to the back of the building to drop something off was totally coincidental and in no way influenced by the Auditeers arrival. i swear. i had the thought a good five minutes before they were scheduled to arrive. :)

so i'm walking down the hallway when i'm accosted by this really annoying woman that thankfully doesn't work on the same floor as me. she whispers a question at me while sliding sideways glances to the front desk, where, of course, the Audit Team was checking in. She seemed frantic, and that in turn made me frantic. i swear, i was totally cool before that. not worried at all. okay, maybe a little worried, but i know we're going to suck - i've already had that realization, and so has a few other people - so now its just a matter of how bad we're going to be marked down because we suck, and how good our bullshitting skills are at how we're leaving Suckville and heading down the path to Better Town.

Annoying Lady jerked her head in the direction of my office, so we headed down the hallway so she could talk openly about the last minutes stuff she was trying to get done. turns out she needed an updated version of a report i'd sent her the week before. i told her no problem, i'd get right on it. she sprinted away, i took about a minute or so to get the report and email it to her. and i got the little email receipt showing she'd opened it a nanosecond after i'd sent it to her. and i thought to myself, 'let the games begin!'

been even more crazy around here since then. turns out the Auditeers are going to be in my department this friday, monday, and tuesday. yea! really yea, because once they're done asking me questions and digging through all our data i'll be able to breath a bit easier. and maybe actually work normal hours. *fingers crossed*

right now i should be reading over manuals. manuals that explain the different processes that we use. or should be using, actually. :) the guy that's helped us get our shit in order was prepping us on how to answer Auditeer questions. he asked us yesterday, 'when the auditor asks you what you do, what are you going to say?' and i said, with a big cheesy grin 'exactly what i'm supposed to do.' that got a chuckle, but it turns out i'm supposed to be a little more specific than that. but not by much.

for some reason i have this strong urge not to do any work right now. and that's bad. bad bad bad. *sigh* guess i'd better go be Data Cruncher Goddess for awhile.

hmm...i wonder if i can get that title printed on some business cards.

i read it in a magazine so it has to be right. right?

my breakfast this morning isn't exactly one for champions. hell, breakfast? more like brunch. it's just after 9 and i've been up for 4 hours now!

breakfast this morning consists coffee from the breakroom with a little bit of powdered creamer mixed in and couple of albino reese's peanut butter cups. yum. i'm not a big coffee fan - i don't need that first cup first thing in the morning to get me to a functional state - but i enjoy a cup every now and then. especially when i need a break. it's a handy excuse, especially when given to the coffee addicted.

me: i'll be right back. i have GOT to get me a cup of coffee... if you know what i mean. *wink wink*
java junky: ohyeahyeahiknowwhatyoumeangorightaheadcoffeegood.

i wish coffee perked me up like it does some people. i guess i'm just not drinking enough of it. hmmm... is that a new's year resolution i see?

the albino reese's peanut butter cups are actually white chocolate reese's. and boy are they yummy. i wasn't very impressed with the white chocolate kit kats, but the wc reese's are might fine specimens of choclate. though i'm not sure which i like best - regular chocolate or white chocolate reese's. i think i'll have to sample a bit more of both before the jury reaches a verdict. :)

and while it's not exactly the breakfast of champions (that is until goofing off at work turns into a competitive sport) it's not all that bad for me. see, i read in this muscle magazine that coffee actually burns fat (as long as you don't put sugar in it - creamer is fine). so the fat from the chocolate is being burned by the coffee i'm drinking!

better go grab another cup to burn off that snickers bar i had the other day. the guys at work are sucking down more and more cancer sticks (cigarrettes) as the pressure to fix practices and procedures and etc before the audit mounts. me? i think i'm becoming addicted to chocolate. and to Trips To The AM/PM mini mart. it's hell on a poor girl's wallet. not to mention hell on a not-so-thin girl's ass. :)

I'z Got Mad Skillz

Well, not really. But my favorite key on the keyboard today is the Z key.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And while I wasn't admiring the Z, I held the button for a little over three minutes. Go me!

How long can you hold it? HoldTheButton.com

Do I not want to do work or what?!

I blame it all on the NaNoWriMo Procrastination Forum. Yeah. It's all those peoplez faultz for making me go to the game sitez.

*sits at desk trying to look innocent... and busy*

I have a feeling today is going to be a very slow day. Bummer that. :)

He promised me the moon and the stars. All I got was the moon.

Well, I've almost finished crossing of items from Saturday's To Do List. :) Any thing left will just have to hold it's horses until tomorrow - or next weekend - depending on how antsy the 'horses' get in the next few days.

Did do any cleaning on Sunday. Yay! The HB didn't even bring it up. I think he conveniently forgot he'd mentioned it. Fine by me! I mean, there are no flies flying around piles of garbage stuffed into corners and crevices. The weird looking mold is no longer hanging out in the bathtub because the HB already tackled that one a few days ago. And there's no awful smell to worry about (my sinuses are stuffed up, but I'm pretty sure there's no smell... i mean, the neighbor's aren't complaining yet). And... Hell, I'm such the 'guy' in this relationship when it comes to cleaning. With the HB being such a 'girl'. Heh heh. Aren't the guys supposed to be the slobs and the gals supposed to be the ones nagging about the mess?

We did do a bit of cleaning on Sunday though. Just not in the apartment. We took our cars to a little self-serve car wash last night. And the HB, being the wonderful boyfriend that he is, offered to scrub my extra dirty car for me. *sigh* Isn't he dreamy?

And he did it all while wearing a pair of shorts that no longer fit him. He's lost weight, and the shorts haven't, so while he was busy scrubbing away his shorts started sliding down. And since he was going commando I got mooned a few times. :) After about the third moon (hey, I was enjoying the view) I said, "Um, Hun, you might want to be careful. You just mooned the minivan that drove by." And the HB just wiggled his butt and kept on scrubbing. A wonderful topper to the weekend if I do say so myself. :)

What I Did Last Weekend Report

Okay, so here's how I spent my time last weekend. Friday after work the HB and I went shopping because:

going to new place to hear rock bands = good excuse to buy new outfit

Among all the 'stuff I can't afford to buy but bought anyway because I really need the new clothes' I bought a new pair of jeans and this black top with these thin little straps that I don't think I'll ever wear out in the middle of the day because I wouldn't want to subject the people around me to the sight of my bare arms. Eek! But it worked for the concert, which was at night in a little club where the only lights were at the bar and on the stage. Especially with the Super Bra I bought. Yowza!

So anyways, Saturday got off to a nice, lazy start with me and the HB sleeping in. Then I got bit by the Nice Girlfriend bug and offered to cook him breakfast while he slept in a little more. I thought I'd be super nice in case this band I was dragging him to go see really sucked. :)

We left for West Hollywood a little after noon and checked into the hotel about an hour later. I expected the hotel to be a lot nicer, especially for how much it cost to stay there for a night. But I guess I was paying for the name and the location (Sunset Blvd) more than what it looked like inside. It was okay, but not spiffy like I expected.

For lunch, the HB and I went for a walk down Sunset Blvd until we found something that sounded good. That something ended up being a little Mexican food place. We ate outside and as long as the breeze was blowing it was really nice out. We were about ready to go when our first celebrity sighting happened.

This guy sat down at the table across from us and the HB whispers to me, "Doesn't he look familiar?"

I looked at the guy from the back and suggested, "That guy in that trailer for that movie we saw the other day?" The HB shakes his head and looks thoughtful. I look at the guy again from the side and think, "Oh, he looks like..." I thought about it for a second, then the HB and I looked at each other and whispered, "S.W.A.T.!"

Right across from us was the bad guy from the movie S.W.A.T.!

I wasn't quite sure at first. I mean, it looked just like him, but maybe I just wanted it to look like him, you know? Because 'oh my god a movie star is sitting two feet away from me!' But then someone came up and started talking to him about his Aston Martin and it was so totally his voice. The HB and I walked back to the hotel with big grins on our faces. We saw a famous person! Woohoo!

Later that night we showed up at the Whiskey in the middle of one band's set. They were very young and kind of fun to watch because the HB and I kind of ragged on them a bit during their set. The lead singer spent half his time with his back to the crowd (I think he thought he had a great ass and was trying to wow the crowd with his band's best asset) while spinning his microphone around by the wire (he reminded me of a rhythmic gymnast who's always throwing and twirling her ribbon in the air) and the other half was spent lip syncing the words that the guitar player was singing in a very over the top cheesy way. Like he was feeling the words of the song so much that he couldn't help but mouth the words. Very comical.

The second band played better than the first, but were less entertaining to watch. The lead singer was into the hoarse voice/yelling kind of rock singing, but showed absolutely no emotion at all while he did it. No facial expressions. No physical exertion while singing about how evil the world is or whatever young heavy metal/alt rockers sing about. The most amusing thing about this band was that one of the guitar players had a metal chain link around his neck, connected to the guitar, instead of a normal strap. He was hardcore man!

Then finally
Shim Sham came out and played. And they rocked. They had great songs and really knew how to perform. The HB liked them so much we listened to their CD on the way home.

We checked out of the hotel on Sunday and while we were waiting for the valet to fetch our car we saw our second celebrity. Walking right in front of us, with a bathrobe on over his clothes and a big ass fucking clock around his neck like a necklace was none other than Flavor Flav! Yeeeea Boyeeeee! The HB totally turned into a little kid when he recognized him. And if I'd had a pen on me he would have run up to Flava Flav and gotten his autograph. It was really cool to see someone up close and personal right after you'd seen him on the television the day before. Very cool.

The rest of Sunday was spent back in our neighborhood looking for a new couch. And after all that searching we ended up buying a new dresser instead. :) Do we know how to shop or what? We bought the dresser from a wood crafty furniture store and the one we wanted had to be ordered. So we don't have it yet. Which sucks, because I want to have it in my apartment and start utilizing it so I can justify it's worth to myself once and for all because I had to put it on my already crowded credit card and... *sigh*

So that was my weekend. This weekend is turning out to be a lot less eventful. Though the HB was talking some crazy talk earlier about waking up early and cleaning the apartment. Poor guy, I think having to work on a Saturday fried a few of his brain cells. I mean, I know he's anal sometimes about having things clean around the apartment, but waking up early to do it? Double eek! I'm sure I'll be able to talk him out of it tomorrow though. :)

Today's To Do List

1. listen to old forgotten CD's
   
2. walk around in underwear and pretend no one can actually see me through the opened blinds and windows.
   
3. look at laundry and think about how nice it would be to get it done today instead of waiting until the last minute tomorrow, where it will inevitably be hotter outside, and more crowded down at the little laundry room.
   
4. ignore all previous thoughts of laborious work.
   
5. take Super Duper Strength medicine to rid self of the Snot That Would Not Go Away
   
6. sign up for NaNoWriMo
   
7. try and figure out what the hell I could possibly write 50,000 words about
   
8. work on the poor neglected blog a bit
   
9. watch tivo-ed Farscape marathon to make room for next week's Farscape marathon
   
10. go shopping for new couch to replace current couch with broken spring that creates massive black hole that sucks tv remotes and change and socks and small animals into the fourth level of hell (aka the dark and scary 'un-vacuumed for several years' space underneath the couch)
    
11. go apartment hunting for cheaper apartment so we can afford the expensive couch the HB will probably talk me into
    
12. add to list

I really wish I could think of something clever to type right here, but alas...

I meant to post yesterday - I was in a perfect work-slackin' mood and everything ("I don't see you To Do List! Fuck you work e-mails!") - but just as I was about to start writing I got handed a bunch of work. Work that the Boss wanted feedback from in a couple hours so he kept popping in and out of the office. Ain't that a timing bitch.

So I'm playing blog post catch up on this beautiful Saturday. I've got all the windows open and there's a nice cool breeze dancing through the apartment. *sigh*

I'm ignoring the laundry (is there a girl scout badge for this? i'm getting really good at it), ignoring the messing living room, ignoring all work whatsoever, and its frelling loverly! The only thing that would make this day better would be a laptop I could type on outside in the sun. Maybe I'll grab a pad of paper and pencil and go write out at the pool later. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Another thing that would make this day better would be if the HB didn't have to work. It's his third week at the new job and they're already giving him his own shift to run, all by his bad-ass self. I take this to be a big thing because the last supervisor they trained didn't get his own shift to run until after two months. :) So it's nice that they have this much trust in his abilities, but it sucks because he'll be working Saturdays for a while.

But here I am, enjoying the weekend that I've been looking forward to since the previous weekend. Because the last weekend was a busy weekend and there wasn't a lot of time to recoup from work. Which is something I've needed for a couple weekends now. Work is still hectic and will be for a couple more weeks. We're still gearing up for the Big Bad Scary Audit that takes place not this coming Monday, but the Monday after that. And the Big Bad Scary Auditeers will be here for three weeks (eek!) so hopefully, at the most, I've only got four more weeks of craziness at work.

I say hopefully because I think there may be permanent damage of the brain. I'm not quite 'My side, your side! My side, your side!' crazy yet, but I'm getting close.

I even had a dream the other night about work. It wasn't anything interesting, like I'm at work and aliens come and shoot everybody who's wearing green and all of a sudden I find myself in combat gear along with Keanu Reeves, who's my new desk neighbor and a surprising wiz at excel documents, and we have to fight the aliens to save my job, but we're no longer at my place of work, we're in the middle of a McDonald's playland, in a giant ball cage and...

Yeah. Nothing as interesting as that dream would be. I was at work, and nothing was distorted or weird, no dream side effects whatsoever, and I was doing something on the computer. Boring, simple stuff that's on my mental 'To Do' list. I was dreaming about something I had to work on the next day; I was playing it out in my mind while I slept. How messed up is that?

Anywhoo... I think its time for a snack break. Then I'll come back to the computer and type up my What I Did Last Weekend report, complete with celebrity sightings.