Sunday, September 12, 2004

"I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma." -Eartha Kitt

I hate being stupid. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I'm not completely stupid. I'll give myself that much credit. I'm not book stupid. I can read and learn and study. I can take and pass tests. But that's just a very small crumb of the human existence pie. Being book smart will only get you so far. What's more important is being "street" smart. Common sense smart. People smart. Life smart. Whatever-the-right-word-is smart. At least that's the way I feel lately, long before today ever happened.

I haven't got much of these smarts. Or, probably more accurately, I don't have as much as I feel I should have. (Maybe that's part of the problem). And it's distressing. It's like having an irrational fear of ladybugs. You know the ladybug won't do any more damage to you than drop a little poop on your finger, yet still you shriek and duck for cover anytime one flitters by. Irrational!

I know there's nothing wrong with being stupid, at first. Everyone is stupid until they learn. That's just how the process works. I know this, and yet sometimes I'll avoid a potential Show Everyone How Stupid I Am situation. Not all the time (I have plenty of non-stupid moments!), but sometimes. Sometimes I just can't help myself. And I don't know why. I just sort of freeze up. Hide. Evade. Avoid. Shy away. Just to keep from looking stupid.

How stupid is that?

I know that a great way to not be stupid is to ask questions. To confront the situation my instincts might tell me to avoid. To make mistakes and learn from them. I know there's a need to be stupid once, to avoid being stupid on future occasions. I know this, yet sometimes that's just not enough. Not all the time, mind you. But sometimes.

It's something I dislike about myself. But I can recognize this about myself, which is a start in the right direction I guess. I know I want to change, and knowing this is half the battle, right? Where's G.I. Joe when you need him.

So I'm working on it, and have been for while. I like to think that I'm getting better at it. (Then again, sometimes I like to think that I'm as skinny as a Super Slurpee straw with Wonder Woman superhero abilities, so I might not always be the best judge of self. *ahem*)

But seriously, I am getting better at it. I give myself permission to be stupid every once in awhile. Well, okay, its more frequent than 'every once in awhile,' but you get the point.

*checks Today's To Do List... finds Give Self Permission To Be Stupid... marks down a big fat checkmark next it*

And then I learn from the 'being stupid'. Hopefully. Most of the time. That's the plan at least. :) Because "life is about constantly learning, and once it isn't, you might as well be dead." One of my favorite high school teachers, Mr. Hevener, told our history class this once. I liked it, believed in it, and therefore wrote it down to keep with me always. As a sort of reminder, I guess, that 'oh yeah, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Learning."

Well, that's all I have to say about that. I'm so done learning for the day. Is this crappy Sunday over yet???

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