A List of Grievances (To Be Used At The Insanity Trial)

A.K.A. Reasons Why Technology Can Byte Me Kiss My Mutha Effin Non-technical Ass.

That's right Technology. Kiss it!

Last week, Wednesday to be precise, I was in the middle of a big project when the Blue Screen Of Death appeared. It said:

"You're screwed! Wheeee!"

Actually, it told me my computer was taking a "memory dump", which, really, is just techno-jargon that means the same thing but sounds fancier so as not to totally kill any hope I have at a future relationship with my computer. (And we were so planning on eloping this summer.)

I turned my laptop off, waited a couple of minutes, then tried to turn it back on. The lights blinked, the sound of its little laptop engine purred to life and then... then it made one of the most pitiful sounds a computer could make. It whined a quick little death sigh and it shut itself off. I counted to fifty, with the calm, zen-like quality of a cat in the crosshairs of a high-powered sprinkler, and tried to turn the laptop on again.

Nothing. Nada. El zippo. So I called the Help Desk. The girl that answered my call suggested that I hold down the power button "for five whole seconds." After that didn't work (surprisingly enough), she passed me on to someone else because that was, apparently, the extent of her computer knowledge.

The next guy had me try several things, though none of them worked either. I was going to have to send it in for repair. Oh joy. But as he was typing up his email to set the request in motion I tried to turn it on just one more time. And it suddenly started to work. Problem solved?

Far from it. As it turns out, my computer was trying to overdose on laxatives, taking dumps more and more frequently over the next couple of days. So much so that on Friday I could barely get an hour's worth of work done before it took a dump and rebooted. It was, to say the least, VERY FRUSTRATING.

Yesterday though, yesterday was the day that technology declared war on me. And I have no idea what I did to deserve it.

Problem #1:
My laptop turned on easily enough, but it didn't stay on for more than ten minutes before it started doing a continuous reboot routine. On the fifth reboot I said, "screw it!", shut the dumb thing off, and hooked up my old desktop computer. (Which I never properly got rid of and was still sitting on my desk - long story). With my desk resituated, I turned the desktop on, and it stayed on. I was about ready to kiss the screen until...

Problem #2:
I couldn't access the network. Well, I could access my email, but not the internet or the database that I primarily work out of.

Swell!

Access was a bit spotty for everyone concerning some program or another, so it wasn't a total Crap Only On Lisa Day. I thought, 'hey, at least I'll be able to fill out the New PC Request form and email it to the proper people.' Which was a happy thought until...

Problem #3:
... I got an error email saying that the servers were done nationwide and the email service channels were "congested" and my email request was undeliverable.

Yeah!

And they wouldn't process the request without the properly filled out forms of course. Grrrrrr. Since I couldn't do anything with the computer that worked, I went to another computer. The guy working there looked up some figures I needed then hit the print button. I decided I'd work without the frelling computers for a bit...

Problem #4:
...but then the printer took up the fight against me. The printer was working fine all morning and didn't bother to get finicky until I needed something. First there was a paper jam. Then the guy couldn't cancel the print job, which wasn't printing because its status was ERROR, so when he hit the print button again the new print job queued up behind the ERROR print job which wasn't going anywhere because it was TAUNTING me. Bastard. I finally got the print outs about an hour later.

Oh, and get this, since I couldn't access what I needed on this computer I decided to work on some old Excel file. Seemed harmless enough, sure, but...

Problem #5:
... when I hit the Print Preview button a Fatal Error message popped up and Excel crashed to a bloody screeching halt and I could no longer access the file I was working on. I had to reboot the computer (for what seemed like the gabillionth time that day.)

So my laptop was out of commission, I couldn't access the network, the printer refused to print for me, and excel took exception to me peeking under its print preview skirt. Not a good techno day for me. I'm really surprised a superior never came by to chastise me about the excessive use of profanities in such a proper work environment, because let me tell you something, I was cursing the living daylights out of my computers.

Today, the war continues...

Woman vs. Machine

Lisa vs. The Office Equipment

... and so far, I've been on the losing end of the techno stick.

I've been working on the old computer, in excel again, and while I haven't seen a Fatal Error Message, I have seen the Blue Screen of Death three times already. Now I remember why I ditched the desktop for the newer and fancier laptop.

Sigh.

Maybe I'll just play solitaire all day. Or better yet, sneak off somewhere and do some homework. Because really, I think someone somewhere is trying to tell me something. Like: "Stop working on the computer before the monitor explodes and kills you!"