Excerpt from an intergalactic princess’s blog.

Stardate: 32927.9

Donut Black Holes: 4 - v. good. Alcohol units: 10 – good, considering the huge party after the conference.

Today was the big Intergalactic Planetary Conference on the planet Tetras V, with Gar and I doing double duty. Not only were we there as representatives of Nanooie Prime, but also as members of the Royal Marlin Guard. (Her Majesty’s most elite branch of peacekeepers, thank you very much!) These conferences are always eventful, and this year didn’t disappoint.

We were almost late to the conference since Gar repeatedly assured me he knew how to get there, even after we passed the same Rocket Boots store five times. Finally, I made Gar pull over the shuttle pod so I could ask someone for directions.

A purple scaly-looking man was standing on the corner so I called out to him. “Yo! Do you know how to get to the Crappie Carp Mega Dome?”

The purple scaly-looking man snorted at me then said, “Trout tease nude rocker boobs!”

“Excuse me?” I said, my hand involuntarily sliding toward the weapon strapped loosely to my hip.

Gar, who speaks Tetran, quickly translated. “He said, ‘try out these new rocket boots!’”

Purple Scaly Man snorted again and held up a pair of sexy red leather rocket boots. “Tuna guts up in air!”

I turned to Gar for another translation. “Just two nuggets a pair.”

I was in need of a new pair of sexy red leather kick ass rocket boots, and you can’t find a pair for just two nuggets anywhere in the known galaxy! And I should know, I’ve looked. I handed Purple Scaly Man two nuggets and he handed over my new boots. Wahoo!

Gar and I showed up at the Mega Dome with just a few minutes to spare. We mingled with other delegates, took our turn patrolling the perimeter, and then found our seats as the first speaker stepped up to the podium. One highlight of the conference was listening to Lance Bass, the guest speaker from the planet Earth. His speech was full of choreography, flashy costumes (complete with Batman suit cod pieces), backup singers, and a call for galactic peace. V. good show.

Another highlight was when I got to bust a ray gun in someone’s ass. Mr. Pike, the hefty harmooth handler from Haddock is a prankster by heart and therefore has trouble controlling himself at galactic functions.

During the lunch break I saw Mr. Pike try to perch on the roof of the North tower, a big sack of water balloons next to him. Haddocks aren’t known for their sense of balance (what with their immense size and one spindly leg) so I watched him with growing concern. In a matter of seconds I saw Mr. Pike raise a huge water balloon high above his two heads, begin to wobble perilously close to the edge, and then fall. The Prince of Albacore and a number of other dignitaries were directly below Mr. Pike, and if he fell, he was going to squish them all. Death by fallen Haddock is a nasty business, and not something that was going to happen on my watch!

I whipped out my gun, quickly noting that it was on the ‘stun’ setting, dove and somersaulted past a group of fellow Royal Marlin Guards so I could get a clear shot, and blasted away at Mr. Pike’s fat, falling ass. The force of the blast propelled him past the crowd and into a nearby fountain. I watched him flounder around a bit then helped a group of conference members drag him out. Prince Albacore was so appreciative of my awesome skills and good work that he invited me and Gar to his after-conference party. The party was a blast!

Well, that’s about it. I just wanted to make sure I got this journal entry in before I pass out. Tomorrow is going to be killer. I just know it! Gar and I have to travel to the planet Tarpon with what I’m sure will be galactic sized hangover headaches. I hate space warping with a headache. When will someone invent the hangover cure for Galactic Brain Fuzzers?!! Huh?!!*