Letters To Spammers

Dear Lim,

Why can't y'all use gooder spelling? I mean, reeally! Will it kill ya?

Will it? Huh huh huh?

Yur frEnd 4EvEr,
-loon

P.S. What kind of a fucked up name is Lim? I mean, reeally!

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Dear Exciting,

Is the choice really mine? Because I have this yellow and red dress that would so match a Ronald McDonald purse.

Love(in' it),
-loon

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Dear Heavenly T-Shirt,

Is there an out of state freight charge on that?

Devilishly Yours,
-loon

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Dear Adrian,

I hate how you presume to know something about me. I mean reeally! How do you know that I 'cannot even imagine what it is like to be a real man in bed'? I may not actually be a man. I'm not even a fake man. Or a wolf man in a sheep's jockstrap. Or... something. But I am a woman with a frequently exercised imagination. Maybe I can imagine what its like to be a real man in bed. I find your flagrant disregard for my mental abilities truly disrespectful.

Imaginatively Yours,
-loon

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Dear Market Research Survey,

My dear friend! Its so good to hear from you! It's been what? Two hours since your last email? They don't give out merit badges for prolific emailing you know! Miffy sends her best. I'm sure Gilberto sends his best too, but I haven't heard from him since the FBI picked up on his trail.

Most Sincerely,
-loon

P.S. my favorite kind of ice cream is the yummy free kind