Tuesday is Chooseday

Would you rather...

1. never look healthy OR never feel healthy?

I'd rather never look healthy. But then again, I've had a cold bug camping out in my nasal cavities for the last week or so. So I might be a little biased (i.e. confused by the snot) on the subject.

But I already gots me a man. I don't needs to be lookin' healthy. Just slutted up from time to time to remind him how pretty I am. :)

And feeling non-healthy just plain sucks. It really sucks. If you never feel better, it will totally mess with your whole state of being. And my favorite state is the great state of Happy Happy Joy Joy. So being non-healthy all the time would be a drag.

2. do a mini cheer whenever someone compliments you OR have to jump up and touch the door frame every time you go through a door?

I'd rather do a mini cheer. It might be good to let that inner cheerleader I've locked deep down inside myself (down with all my other demons) out for a breather now and then.

Because I walk through a lot of doorways. That means lots of doorframes. Lots. Mega mega lots compared to the number of compliments I receive. So the cheering thing would be less tiring.

Plus, I'm so much of a klutz that I'd probably end up hurting myself with all the jumping and doorframe slapping I'd be doing. I'd be in the hospital inside a month.

3. as a man, have hair implants that are totally obvious OR a toupee that is a bad match to your remaining hair?

Well, I'm not a man, but if I were... I'd go outside and pee on something.

No wait, that's what I'd do if I were a dog.

No wait, I'd do that if I were a man too. I'd love to be able to pee on the sly. Whenever. Wherever. Just like the Shakira song. It sounds like fun. The peeing, not the Shakira song.

Anywhoo... if I were a man, I think I'd rather have the toupee that doesn't match. Because some nice not-so-judgmental people might give me the benefit of the doubt and think 'Well, it could just be really weird hair.' I used to watch Bob Ross paint on his PBS show all the time. One time he said a viewer wrote in and told him to buy a wig that better matched his beard. Funny thing is, it wasn't a wig. That fro was all his. So maybe I could get away with people thinking my toupee doesn't look all that bad.

Totally obvious implants? Uh uh. No thanks. I think a mismatched toupee would look better. I'm thinking it would cost less as well.

4. as a woman, be totally flat chested with saucer-sized nipples OR have huge breasts with no nipples?

Ew! I don't want saucer-sized nipples! Especially if I'm flat chested. The nips would be bigger than the boobs! And that just ain't right. (No offense to any of you flat-chested-mondo-nipply readers).

I'd rather have big boobies. When I shake my money maker, what good is it to have boobies that don't move? Where's the fun in that? It's at the South Pole, that's where the fun is. And it will do you no good down there, let me tell you.

Besides, with no nipples, I wouldn't be poking out right now in this igloo office. And that's just damn annoying.

Down girls! Down! It's not playtime yet!

You know, try as I might, poking them back in does not help. So I try and warm them up with a little friction warming. That doesn't help either. Darn it.