Friday, January 30, 2004

haven't you always wanted a monkey?

The Friday Five

You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?

The HB. Unless he's there with me when I win, then I'd call my mommy.

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?

The very first thing? Once the money is safe and sound and thoroughly verified of its residency in my bank account, I'd probably buy myself a ridiculously expensive bottle of champagne and an outrageously expensive fancy dinner. And I'd invite a close-knit group of family and friends. And dinner would be on me! And if they're nice, I'll buy another bottle of champagne for them all to share. That first bottle is all mine!

The first big item I'd buy would be a new car. One that doesn't look like a granny car. One that has spunk. And a hybrid engine. Yeah. That'd be awesome.

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?

After the dinner...

My first thought was I'd buy the HB his dream car, but the car is not just his dream, it's a goal he's reaching for. I can't just buy his goal for him - he wants to earn it. But maybe he doesn't necessarily feel the need to earn the motorcycle he's been jonsing for over the last couple of years.

But... I don't really want him to have a motorcycle. The last time he owned one some crazy driver ran him and a friend off the road. His bike was totaled, but luckily he walked away with only a bit of road burn. So a motorcycle? Eh... maybe not.

Okay. I'd buy him whatever fancy paintball accessory he wants. That shit can get expensive, but if I had a million dollars it would no longer matter.

Then I'd buy something for my parents. Like new carpeting!!! Since my parents don't have kids at home to spend money on anymore they're re-vamping the house. And apparently they're leaving the ugly green and black shag carpeting (that for some reason was cool back when the house was built) for the very end. Bleagh.

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?

Yes. I'd give some to charities. I don't know which ones exactly. I'd do a lot of research first and find out which ones would utilize my hard won money the best. Mainly though, I'd give money to causes that mean a lot to my family and friends.

I'd also give money to my old high school and elementary school. I'd love to be an 'anonymous benefactor' giving the kids money for stuff like special school trips.

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?

Hell yes! I'm investing lots of it. That way I can make lots and lots more. I need to make enough for me to give a lot away, spend a lot for the rest of my life (and I'm young with a lot of spending years still left in me), and still have enough so that my mom can take champagne baths everyday if she wanted to. Because that would be one of the perks of being my financial advisor, which my mom will be once I win my million (or more) dollars.

Now if I could just get this Barenaked Ladies song stuck out of my head...

fifty word fiction


When I was growing up, Grandpa would always say to me, "Jason, never bring a one eyed hamster to a gopher fight." My reply was always, "Grandpa, my name isn't Jason." I thought Grandpa was crazy until I got into the underground rodent fighting scene. Thanks for the advice Grandpa!

I'd like to dedicate this short piece of fiction to Spike, my dearly departed one-eyed hamster. He was one bad ass mo-fo.

This is my first submission to fifty word fiction. *crosses fingers in hope that the site is still taking submissions* It was fun to write, and a bit challenging to get it exactly fifty words. Hopefully I get inspired again with an idea I can condense into fifty words. :) Until then though... I think might work on an old hamster story I'd started a long time ago... about a certain hamster detective named Spike... hmmm... *can feel creative hamster wheel in brain start to spin*

Thursday, January 29, 2004

the spanish flea is a little bit country, i'm a little bit rock n roll

Mr. Nice doesn't have any arms or hands. But that doesn't stop him from dancing. Do you want to see him dance? Go on. See him dance.

I found the link to Mr. Nice here while I was trying to find Homer Simpson's version of Spanish Flea, which I finally found here. Yay! My day can now officially start. :)

There was a little spanish flea
A record star he thought he'd be
He heard of singers like Beetles
and The Chipmunks he'd seen on TV
Why not a little spanish flea?

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

how much is that doggie in the mirror? arf! arf!

So I was on a treadmill this afternoon. Go me! It was an interesting, and surprisingly not-that-unpleasant experience. The level of unpleasantness was largely due in part to the wussy walking speed I set the machine at. But hey, it was my first time on a treadmill! I wanted to take it easy. Test the waters. Make sure the equipment was safe. Safe as in it wouldn't suddenly explode on me. Reasonable, no? I thought so.

I've worked out in gyms before but have never set foot on a treadmill. I've ridden bikes and climbed stair steppers, but have never milled the tread. So I was a little hesitant at first. I didn't want to just jump on a treadmill and pretend like I knew what I was doing. That would be a sure fire way to have the Exercise Gods punish by way of an embarrassing injury.

Curious George: "What happened to your forehead? Is that rug burn?"
Me: "No. It's uh... *ahem* treadmill burn."

I didn't know what to expect so I expected the worst. You know, like a clumsy feat of tripping over my own feet, spraining/breaking/twisting something, pushing the wrong button and setting the building on fire, decapitation... Anyway, the actual exercise part was fine. Fun even, in that lovely endorphin-induced-euphoria sort of way.

What I didn't like about the experience were the mirrors. See, there's a mini gym at our apartment complex and the HB and I figured we might as well take advantage of it. There's enough room for two treadmills and two cross trainers, side by side, up against one wall. Then there's a small jungle gym of weights and benches in the middle of the room. And that's it. It's a very small gym. But it works for me. The HB would rather get a gym membership where the equipment is better, but to that idea I say 'feh!' The gym here is good enough. Plus with the money we're forking over for rent, I can't afford a gym membership. So the gym here is really good enough.

So anyway... we walk into the 'gym' and I get on the treadmill while the HB gets on the crosstrainer next to me. Our backs are to the rest of the room. And in front of us? A lovely wall of mirror.

I know some people like to watch themselves as they work out. I don't. I don't need to be reminded of what I'm trying to loose. Trust me. I know its there, standing in the exit line, trying to find a taxi to take it some place it's actually wanted, but there are no taxis in sight...

Where was I? Oh. Mirrors. Yeah, so I'm doing my walking thing, and there's a big fucking mirror in front of me. Sure, after I walk my way into becoming a Sexy Mutha Fucka, I wouldn't mind ogling myself while I sweat. But right now? No. I don't want to. So I studied my treadmill readouts and watched as the lights wound around the 'track' to show my progress. That held my attention for a few minutes. Then I was kindly distracted by the guy coming in to workout on the jungle gym behind me. I was wishing at that point that I hadn't worn my ratty 'oh my goodness I think my ass hangs out of these shorts' shorts.

A few minutes of that sort of paranoia goes a long way at killing time. So the next thing I knew I only had two minutes left programmed of my walk. I spent one of those minutes talking with the HB, who was already done. I could have walked a bit more, but since I think we're going to make this an every day thing, I figured it would be a good idea to build up some stamina. Start off slow and build from there. Plus, the minute or so I had left could be used walking back to our apartment. So I pushed the stop button, picked up my walkman, turned around, and when I started to walk off the treadmill I started to seriously trip out. It felt like the treadmill was still moving, going in reverse actually, and IT FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO SLIDE RIGHT OFF!!! It was major trippy dudes and dudettes. At the end of my treadmill walk, I was wondering way the speed had started to decrease. I guess it's to get your legs readjusted to the real world of non moving walkways. Man, that shit seriously messes with your equilibrium. I tried to walk straight, but it was like trying really hard to act sober when you're so drunk you’re just a room-spinning minute away from passing out. I'm sure I looked really silly trying really hard to stand up straight on wobbly jell-o like legs. Right in front of the HB and some other gym guy. Go me!

I felt my bad knee start to act up a little bit during my walk, but I was careful and it never gave me any problems, so all and all it was good experience. And I'll be back tomorrow, walking with my walkman, strutting my stuff to the tune of my favorite Spice Girls tunes. Though I think I might bring a poster and some scotch tape so I have something more pleasant to stare at. It's such a small room, I ran out of things to stare at after awhile. Maybe I should talk the HB into lifting some weights on the jungle gym. Then I could stare at his ass for a bit. That's a pretty good plan if I do say so myself.

i'm nuts for almonds!

for lunch today i shared a bag of Pop Secret kettle corn with my officemates. it was quite yummy. Paul The Professional Microwave Popcorn Popper did an excellent job of preparing the meal. he knew the precise amount of time the microwave should be programmed for to achieve maximum poppage and minimum burnage. "It's a tricky science," he says. and i says 'kudos to you Mr. Popcorn Man!"

for desert i'm eating a tiny handful of almonds. (no, not all at once. i'm a one-nut-at-a-time kind of gal.) these almonds are quite yummy. except for the one that just tried to choke me. a little piece of almond chewed almond decided to hit, and stick to, the Cough Button at the back of my throat. even after chugging a bottle of water and getting rid of the almond i'm still coughing. evil little bastard. but still... they are quite yummy. think i'll go snag a few more.

wanna see some ten second animations? go to Itching Hands. i wish i could draw something like that. even the bloody 'heads being ripped off' ones. :)

there's no more Bennifer. so be on the lookout for news of Benda.

and now, just because it is wednesday, here are some really lame jokes for you that i found on a couple Wonka Laffy Taffy wrappers. you may now commence with either the laughing out loud or the rolling of the eyes and groaning. your pick.

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four doors we'd have to call it a chicken sedan.

What were Tarzan's last words?
Who greased the vine?

What's the difference between an inlaw and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.

Where do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
(get it? took me a while.)

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

This senseless post was brought to you by the number eh and the letter wheeeeeeee!

I'd like an order of Super Sauce please

I want to get my own web domain. My own little personal web space that is my very own. I would love it and hug it and squeeze it and call it George. Then I could get my own fancy shmancy web address that people would want to link to just because it is that cool. And I would put all kinds of things on my website. Super cool things. Of course I'd make an exception for this blog and include it too. And I'd be able to upload pictures easier and post them on my blog to share them with the loony blog-viewing public. And I'd be able to upload and offer up songs for the faithful readers as well. And it would be awesome.

I've wanted my own domain for a while now. I'll probably be wanting one for a bit longer. Several bits even. Because what if I suddenly get really really really busy and stop playing on the internet one day? I will have wasted all that money buying myself my little 'net acre. What if I suddenly loose all my money and can't shell out the money to renew my web contracts? Then I won't be able to bring joy to the masses via internet, and the people will be so disappointed. I couldn't do that to my peeps, just leaving 'em cold like that, could I? Though, to be honest, the real reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm a procrastinator and haven't had time to research things. But maybe one day I will. And the people will rejoice! At least the voices in my head will. And its always a good thing to please the voices.

What made me think for the zillionth time 'gee I wish I had my own non-blogspot site' was Super Chicken. The Super Chicken theme song actually. Super Chicken was before my time, so I don't remember the cartoon very much, but it wasn't before Paul's time. Paul, the guy whose desk is right next to mine, looooves Super Chicken. He started to play the Super Chicken theme song on his computer for me today as soon as I stepped into the office. It's like a miracle cure for grumpiness - it's just that cute. Not that I was grumpy when I walked in this morning, but it was 6 am and I was at work. Those aren't the greatest conditions for smiles and cartwheels and spontaneous releases of joy. But just one hit of the Super Chicken theme song and I was smiling like a fool.

Paul gave me a disk with the song on it - Woo! - and I thought to myself, 'wow, I wish I could upload this song to my blog and let everyone here it.' Then I realized I didn't have a database to do that. Darn it.

But then my super genius brain decided to see if I could find it on the 'net. And I did. So, if you want to listen to the Super Chicken theme song (and I highly recommend it) click here. More sounds, and sound formats, can be found here. Paul and I also love the Super Chicken Charge.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I Am Princess. Hear Me Ring My Servant's Bell.

Mr. BigBossMan comes into the office a while ago. There's no one here to bug except for me. Not even my immediate boss, Mr. BigBossMan's right hand gopher lackey boy. This upsets Mr. BigBossMan so. I can tell. He wishes he were a cartoon so steam could shoot out of his ears. That way his minions would know how much this upsets him, this not being exactly where he wants them to be the second he wants them. Mr. BigBossMan plays it cool, but I'm on to him. Oh yes I am.

Mr. BBM: do you know where Lackey Boy is?
Me: I have no idea.
Mr. BBM: Hmmm...
Mr. BBM: *stands there for a few seconds - maybe looking to make sure no one's hiding from him under a desk*
Mr. BBM: *pictures how boss-like he'd look with steam coming out ears*
Mr. BBM: ...Why don't I just call him on his cell?
Me: *realizes this is rhetorical question and does not need to be answered with 'because you don't want to harass your employees anymore than you have already this morning'*
Mr. BBM: *whips out phone and dials Lackey Boy's cell phone number* [pause] Hey there Studly.

Studly? He called him Studly??? Is he trying to be funny? Or flattering? I feel as though I've missed a particularly interesting memo.

There used to be two Lackey Boys working here. And they used to whisper sweet nothings into the phone when talking to each other, making you think they were talking to their wives, then they'd say 'Okay. Talk to you later [Insert Male Coworker Name Here]' and hang up. And that was funny. At least the first couple of times they did it. Is Mr. BigBossMan trying to hone in on that friendly playful vibe? If he is, it isn't working out to well.



I don't know if that's better than what one of the supervisors called me yesterday. I was helping him clear out some records in the computer software system we use. He gets distracted by one of the other supervisors, then returns his attention back to me. And he says, "Now where were we princess?"

Princess? That weirded me out a bit. Not in a 'he's so pervy' kind of way. It's just that that's something he should be calling his daughter. Not a coworker. Maybe its because I'm so much younger than him. And maybe it's partly a language barrier thing. Still, it made me feel like I should be wearing a shiny dress with a poofy skirt and a tiara. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing... its just not an outfit I can wear to work. Bummer that. ::sigh::

Hmm... I wonder... next time the company wants to pretend like they're promoting me to a new position, one with more work and responsibilities sans the pay increase, they'll have to come up with a new job title. I wonder if I can squeeze the word princess in there. Office Princess. Has a nice ring to it.

If I were omniscient...

... I'd finally know who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.

Just a thought.

Tuesday is Chooseday

tuesday is chooseday

Would you rather...

1. be omnipotent OR be omniscient?

I would rather be omnipotent. Knowing everything might be fun for a while, but it would slowly drain all the excitement and mystery and anticipation out of life. How sad! Besides, no one would want to play trivia board games (which my family likes to do during holiday-get-togethers) with a pain in the ass know it all. And if I knew it all, I'd be a pain in the ass about it. At least I would at first. "I knew that was going to happen..." "Hey, did you know that when a hippo has sex..." "I wouldn't put my finger in that if I were you..." "Do I have to let my teammates answer a question? Wait, don't answer that. I already know the answer. NO!"

Being all powerful and such I'd be able to do anything I wanted. Because what I say goes! I'd sure get a kick out of that. I'd have the ultimate house mansion, because I am all powerful and can command it to be so. And I'd have a right hand man I'd call Number 1 and I'd tell him 'Make it so Number 1' all the time. And I would have a bunch of servants who would clean and cook me food and cut cute little monty python characters out of the shrubbery in my front yard.

And henchmen. I'd have henchmen! They would do all my bidding of course. Like building me a pyramid. And my henchmen will organize big star-studded parties for me to attend so I can meet a bunch of famous people who are dying to meet me. And my henchmen will police the streets in batman costumes to protect the people, my people of course, from the bad guys. And my henchmen will go to the store and buy me tampons in a girly emergency. And... well, the list could go on and on.

See? Being omnipotent would be a lot more fun than being omniscient. Plus, being omnipotent, I could have in my service someone who is omniscient. If I needed to know anything, they'd be right there to tell me. That way I could be all power and all knowing - after a quick query that is - all at the same time.

2. win the nobel prize for medicine because you invented a pill that will help grow hair back OR work for the peace corps rebuilding a village and help thousands of people?

I would rather win the nobel prize. Helping others help their hair grow back would be great. Especially for people who loose it because of chemotherapy and such of the like. And I could help guys grow their hair back when they start to go bald. And while I find some bald men incredibly sexy, I could do without seeing the frightful wispy comb-overs.

Plus, with the nobel award comes a huge chunka prize change. With that money I can fund a peace corps mission to help many thousands of people. Especially those with premature hair loss. "Free samples for everybody!"

3. your genitals glow red whenever you are aroused OR your skin turn lobster red whenever you are frustrated?

Dude! I don't have to think about this one for very long at all! I would so love red glowing genitalia! Wooo!

And not just because I would hate to turn lobster red whenever I get frustrated. Because right now, I turn crayola red when ever I laugh. Or exercise. Or get even just slightly hot at all. It's embarrassing.

About a year ago I was in a meeting up in the front office with a bunch of people who were all higher up on the corporate food chain than I was. They were also all men. All men who were used to having this particular meeting be all male. So, there I was, feeling all-important and stuff because I was getting a chance to play grown-up and sitthing there trying to look confident and all-serious-business like while one guy starts talking about his department. '...Now we don't want to blow our wad all at once so Yadda yadda yadd...'

I've heard that 'blow your wad' phrase before many times. I've also heard a lot worse, so I didn't really notice what he'd said. But the head of the department did. And he just had to point it out. Everyone else had noticed too. Then the guy talking noticed that everyone noticed and he got very embarrassed. Everyone started to laugh. Including me. I thought it was funny. He said 'blow' and 'wad' in front of a girl at a meeting! Tee hee! Only problem is, when I laugh I turn red. Really red sometimes. The Department Head turns to me and says 'Look! You've made her blush!' I wasn't embarrassed at all until he pointed out that I was blushing. Which I wasn't damn it!

I really don't need another reason to turn bright red. At least bright red all over. My genitalia on the other hand, they could turn red and I wouldn't mind. "Look honey! My boobs are on fire! They're on fire for you baby!" It'd be like giving the HB a compliment. How nice. And if he ever got lost, that red glowing skin would be like a beacon to him. A beacon of love. A lighthouse guiding him home... Not that he needs any help, mind you. But you know, it couldn't hurt. Because, I mean, what if it's ever really foggy... and we're outside... and... yeah. Okay. Next question...

4. in one sitting, eat ten pounds of cheese OR a bucket of peanut butter (with nothing to drink)?

I love cheese. I really do. While making breakfast with the HB this last weekend I was cutting up cheese for a quesadilla and ate almost as much as I cut off the block. Mainly because I wasn't going to eat the quesadilla; it was for the HB. And I couldn't just cut the cheese *snicker* without eating a piece myself. One piece for the quesadilla. One piece for me. One piece for the quesadilla...

Ten pounds of cheese though? Yeesh. I think that would make me sick before I even got to the half way mark. If I eat too much cheese, or a certain type of cheese, it gives me a headache. And other unpleasant ailments. So even if the 'sitting' lasts a long time, I don't know if it would be wise to eat that much cheese.

So I would rather eat a bucket of peanut butter. I love peanut butter. Even if there's nothing to eat it on I'll just scoop it out of the tub and lick it off the spoon/finger like it's a peanutbuttercicle. It's great when you have milk or something to wash it down with. Yummy stuff. But even without any liquid refreshment help, I'd still rather eat the bucket's worth of pb.

How big is this bucket anyway? If it's a big bucket I'd be in trouble. And my mouth would be really sore by the time I'm done with all that pb sticking to the roof of my mouth. Still, I'd rather chance the tired jaw and tongue etc. than getting sick from the cheese.

Monday, January 26, 2004


I think I messed up The Boss's power point presentation. Don't tell him though. It's a secwet.

It's not really his presentation; it's his boss's. Mr. BigBossMan said 'Here. Do this.' Then Mr. BigBossMan said 'I have to have it done by 1.' I like how he threw that 'I have to' bit in there. Way to keep the morale-o-meter rocketing off the charts there pal-y.

You know... I might not have messed it up. Just because it jammed up while I was working on it (I was only trying to help! - It's not my fault it didn't like a certain file being opened and then copied over to it!) and just because no one can open the file anymore, that doesn't mean I messed it up. I didn't corrupt the file to the point of non-openness. At least not on purpose. No no nonono! My stance is firm. I know nothing. I did nothing. I did not have corruptive relations with that file.

Hopefully my boss doesn't put two and two together, because then he'd have 22 and what the hell is that going to do for him? Not much. And hopefully he doesn't start thinking down the thought path that starts off on Shewasthelastonetohavethefileopen Road with a detour down Sothatmustmeanshefuckeditallup Street.

It's not like he's spent hours slaving over the damn thing already. It's only been about an hour. That's hour. Singular. Not plural.

Unless this is the project he started yesterday.


If anyone needs me I'll be busy looking busy and capable and efficient and free of file corruption tendencies.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... and you think ... ?

  1. Political:: campaign
  2. Concentration:: memory game
  3. Fish:: go
  4. Lunacy:: check please
  5. Red:: "...the blood of angry men"
  6. Imply:: impose
  7. Recognize:: you'd betta recognize boyeeee!
  8. Sexist:: pig
  9. Commercial:: airline
  10. Stricken:: injured

Friday, January 23, 2004

whack goes the penguin

i found this penguin whacking game over at tj's. i've been trying for the last couple of minutes (okay, for the last hour!) to try and beat his score of 611.5. and i won't stop until i do! (or until its time to go home. which ever comes first.) but lookie here...

wiggety wiggety wiggety whack

i have come close! go me! go me! 593.5 - that's the last score lee posted. i wonder if i can beat that score in the next half hour. come on little penguin, let's plaaaaay ball!

Is there a cure for songstuckinheaditis?

Friday Five

At this moment, what is your favorite...


No song popped up in my mind and said, "Me! Me! I'm the favorite!" So I went to and looked around. I'd have to say my favorite in the top 50 chart is:

Why Don't You and I by Santana/Alex Band

Others I'm diggin' at the moment: Remember When by Alan Jackson, Sunrise by Simply Red (still!), and The Way You Move by OutKast (which is currently stuck in my head at the moment. grrrrr.)

[[edited to note: I changed my mind. I just heard the new Nelly/Justin Timberlake song Work It on the radio. That's my new favorite song at the moment.]]


French fries from Farmer Boys. The boss handed out $5 coupons to Farmer Boys the other day. I snagged a coupon and went there for lunch. I think their fries may be addictive so I'm trying not to go back. Just to be on the safe side, you know? But I can hear the fries calling to me. Taunting me. Triple Dog Daring me to go over there and order a big ol' helping of them. Farmer Boys is just across the street... so very close... *drool*

3. show?

Alias. I'm also loving Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

4. ...scent?

Whatever cologne the HB was wearing this morning. He smelled sooooo good. Mmmmmmm...

5. ...quote?

"After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No Habla Ingles.'" - Ronnie Shakes

As I was placing books on the killer bookshelf the HB read this to me from a book I have of funny one-liners. It cracked me up and therefore it is my new Favorite Quote of the Moment.

I shouldn't have thrown out my mini trampoline. I always knew that maybe some day I'd need it.

So the HB and I bought a new bed the other day. And it's a big friggin' bed too! (I was going to use a different 'F' word, but the bed is multifunctional. ;) )

With our old bed, the frame broke the first year we had it (and no I won't go into explaining why) so we've been sleeping on two small 'What's the cheapest you have?' mattresses for the last couple of years. It went from all right, to uncomfortable, to almost painful, causing restless sleep sessions and such. I had trouble sleeping in late on the weekends it was so bad! We desperately needed a new bed.

We've shopped around here and there but hadn't been quite in the mood (i.e. had the money) to take the bed-buying plunge. We still weren't quite 'in the mood' so to speak, but the HB got a bug up his butt the other day and wanted to rearrange the bedroom. (HB math: Bug + butt = neurotic need to rearrange furniture). He got as far as moving the bed and one dresser before he realized that now was a good time to buy a bed. So off to the bed stores we went.

The HB wanted something soft, so we were looking at beds with big thick 'pillow tops'. Or whatever they're called. We were looking at the relatively cheap beds (because I'm as broke as a destructive three-year-old boy's action figure toy - and the HB is broker than I am!) and we found a bed we liked. We went to two other stores to see if we could find it cheaper. We didn't, so we went back to the first store.

We looked at the cheap beds some more, asked a few questions, then the salesman kindly, and oh so thoughtfully, pointed out the really really nice beds on the other side of the room. One in particular in fact. It was very nice. And huge. And oh so squishy soft. It made all the other beds quiver in envy. So of course that's the one the HB just had to fall in love with.

The bed was already on sale for about half the price, but Mr. Salesman said he'd give us the floor model for about half of the half. That came out to just a hundred or so more than we were willing to pay for the Not Quite As Nice But A Heck Of A Lot Cheaper bed on the other side of the room. Now please don't offer any comments or statistics about how showroom floor mattresses are really gross. My brain just isn't going to go there thank you very much. Besides, once we saw it, and the new price, we just had to buy it. Well, one of us had to buy it, and I'm just not the picky one in our relationship. While I was busy doing math in my head to see if we could afford to pay it off in a year (no interest for a year! woo!) the HB was staring at his new friend with a twinkle in his eye. He was in love.

We bought the bed.

It looked big in the showroom, but it was hard to judge its exact size squeezed in amongst its competitors. (I wonder if judges have similar problems in wet tighty-whitey contests.) It looked big, but not that big. Let me just say that I think there's some kind of funky distortion of reality going on in that mattress store.

Our apartment bedroom is small. And with all the stuff crammed into the bedroom it looks even smaller. On one side of our old Just Two Small Mattresses bed there was a small side table thingy that was level with the mattresses. On the other side there was a small dresser that you had to look up at to see from the mattress. The bed was so low to the floor that it came up to about mid shin level. If that.

Now this new bed is, well, it's elite. And it comes up to my waist! The two mattresses are taller than our old ones, plus it has that top soft and squishy pillow top thing. Plus there's the bed frame. So the bed is really tall. And it's a size bigger so its really wide. After the movers brought in the bed pieces and stacked them all up, the HB and I stood in our bedroom and stared that the monstrosity that was our new bed. It is sooooooo huge looking! It looks like it takes up twice the space the old one did. And in a small apartment bedroom that's saying a lot. Standing there, staring with eyes wide open in 'what the hell did we just buy' shock, I was seriously thinking I might need a stepladder to climb up onto it. Either that, or a mini trampoline.

With this new addition to our bedroom we have to get rid of the mini bedside table thingy because it's so much lower than the bed. It just looks weird. And there's not much room for all my precious junk so I'm going to have to weed through a lot of it and figure out what stuff I can part with.

I'm a compulsive packrat, so I've accumulated a lot of stuff over the last couple of years. Important stuff. Some of which I don't really need or use at the moment, but I keep for the sake of Maybe Some Day. Maybe Some Day I'll find a use for that ball of string and all those blank cassette tapes. Maybe Some Day I'll be doing an art project and need those magazine clippings and cutely shaped confetti pieces and saved cardboard rectangles. Maybe Some Day I'll be looking at my knickknack collection and realize that what's missing is a tiny Hello Kitty wind up Happy Meal toy, and I'll be so bummed that I had one and threw it away!

Last night, after the bed arrived, we went out and bought a new set of sheets and storage containers. Two storage bins (that fit underneath the bed - cool beans!) are for me and my junk and two are for the HB (who says he only needs one but is sure I'll need a third so he grabbed two - annoying know-it-all). I'm going to trash some stuff, then fill my new bins up with all the stuff I can't quite part with yet. You know, because Maybe Some Day... I'll store it away then deal with it later. A perfect plan full of procrastination and denial that lets me still give off the impression that I'm cleaning and doing work. Brilliant!

And hey, getting rid of that stuff will just make room for me to collect more stuff. Woo!

One more thing I'd like to mention in this already way too long rambling post. The bed is evil. Evil I tell you! I was so comfortable this morning in a squishy soft state of glee; it was a struggle to leave it and come into work.

Which means I'd better hurry up and become a best selling mega bucks earning writer, or some other super star, pretty soon. That way I can stay in bed as long as I want.

Loony Furniture Moving Tip #43

Do not move a small bookcase with loose shelves when you aren't wearing any shoes or socks.

Unless, of course, you don't mind one of those loose, evil little shelves slipping off its little plastic holders, plummeting downwards at the speed of light, bouncing off the top of your foot with its sharp pointy end and then, after ripping off several layers of flesh from the top of your foot, bouncing merrily along the floor. If you don't mind that, and a little bit of blood gushing everywhere, go ahead and move it barefooted.

This tip was brought to you by the makers of Band-Aid and the inventor of the word "Duh!"

Thursday, January 22, 2004

My inner child has a Blockbuster VIP membership card

Yay! Just what you wanted to see - another movie meme list! Only this list is of the top 100 children's movies put out by the New York Times (in alphabetical order). tj has seen a lot of them, but I think I've seen more. nay nay nay nay. (nevermind that last sentence, that's my inner child being a brat).

Again, the ones in bold are the ones I've seen. Have you seen more?

1. "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein" (1948)
2. "The Adventures of Robin Hood" (1938)
3. "The African Queen" (1951)
4. "Apollo 13" (1995)
5. "Babe" (1995)
6. "Back to the Future" (1985)
7. "The Bad News Bears" (1976)
8. "The Bear" (1988)
9. "Beauty and the Beast" (1991)
10. "Beetlejuice" (1988)
11. "Big" (1988)
12. "The Black Stallion" (1979)
13. "Bound for Glory" (1976)
14. "Breaking Away" (1979)
15. "Bringing Up Baby" (1938)
16. "The Buddy Holly Story" (1978)
17. "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969)
18. "Casablanca" (1942)
19. "Cat Ballou" (1965)
20. "Chariots of Fire" (1981)
21. "Chicken Run" (2000)
22. "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (1977)
23. "The Day the Earth Stood Still" (1951)
24. "Dick Tracy" (1990)
25. "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb" (1964)
26. "Duck Soup" (1933)
27. "Edward Scissorhands" (1990)
28. "Emma" (1996)
29. "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial" (1982) (I saw this when I was little, and it kinda disturbed me for some reason)
30. "Fiddler on the Roof" (1971)
31. "Field of Dreams" (1989)
32. "Fly Away Home" (1996)
33. "Gandhi" (1982)
34. "Ghostbusters" (1984)
35. "The Gold Rush" (1925)
36. "The Great Escape" (1963)
37. "Great Expectations" (1946)
38. "Groundhog Day" (1993)
39. "A Hard Day's Night" (1964)
40. "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" (2001)
41. "High Noon" (1952)
42. "The Iron Giant" (1999)
43. "It Happened One Night" (1934)
44. "James and the Giant Peach" (1996)
45. "Jurassic Park" (1993)
46. "The King and I" (1956)
47. "King Kong" (1933)
48. "Lawrence of Arabia" (1962)
49. "A League of Their Own" (1992)
50. "Lilo & Stitch" (2002)
51. "The Lion King" (1994)
52. "Little Fugitive" (1953)
53. "Little Man Tate" (1991)
54. "The Little Mermaid" (1989)
55. "A Little Princess" (1995)
56. "Little Women" (1994) (I've seen three versions of this movie, including this one)
57. "The Longest Day" (1962)
58. "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" (2001)
59. "Lost Horizon" (1937)
60. "The Magnificent Seven" (1960)
61. "Mary Poppins" (1964)
62. "Monsters, Inc." (2001)
63. "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" (1939)
64. "Mrs. Doubtfire" (1993)
65. "The Music Man" (1962)
66. "My Fair Lady" (1964)
67. "National Velvet" (1944)
68. "Never Cry Wolf" (1983)
69. "North by Northwest" (1959)
70. "Peter Pan" (1953)
71. "Pinocchio" (1940)
72. "The Princess Bride" (1987)
73. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981)
74. "Rear Window" (1954)
75. "Rocky" (1976)
76. "The Rookie" (2002)
77. "The Secret Garden" (1993)
78. "The Secret of Roan Inish" (1994)
79. "Shane" (1953)
80. "Shrek" (2001)
81. "Singin' in the Rain" (1952)
82. "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" (1937)
83. "Some Like It Hot" (1959)
84. "The Sound of Music" (1965)
85. "Spirited Away" (2001)
86. "Star Wars" (1977)
87. "Steamboat Bill, Jr." (1928)
88. "Sullivan's Travels" (1941)
89. "Superman" (1978)
90. "Swiss Family Robinson" (1960) (I loved Tommy Kirk in all those Disney movies ::sigh::)
91. "The Three Musketeers" and "The Four Musketeers" (1974 and 1975) (I've seen at least 3 versions of T3M, including this one, but have never even heard of T4M.)
92. "To Kill a Mockingbird" (1962)
93. "Toy Story" and "Toy Story 2" (1995 and 1999)
94. "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" (1954)
95. "Walkabout" (1971)
96. "West Side Story" (1961)
97. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" (1988)
98. "The Winslow Boy" (1999)
99. "The Wizard of Oz" (1939)
100. "Yellow Submarine" (1968)

Total viewed movies: 56

Okay, I'm pretty sure that's all of them. A few seem familiar, but I'm not sure if I've seen them or just clips, so I didn't bother marking those. Still, it’s my highest score yet. Woo!

Oh, and Casablanca is a must see for children between the ages of 8-12? That movie doesn't strike me as a 'kids' movie. Though I did see it before I turned 12, which allowed me to supply a lot of movie quotes in my college movie appreciate class, so what do I know? (Yes. You guessed it in one. Not much.) :)

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

14 Things I Hate About Everybody

I found this the other day in one of my email history folders. It gives me warm fuzzies every time I read it, so I thought I'd share it with y'all. :)

14 Things I Hate About Everybody

  1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
  2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
  3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
  4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
  5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
  6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
  7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
  8. When people say, "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
  9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
  10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Toes?
  11. When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting I always eat stuff I hate.
  12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
  13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...It's has to be a Mcchicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.
  14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

I really need to start writing actual posts instead of just posting lists. :) Problem is, I can't think of anything interesting to write about. (Not that that's really a requirement around here). I'm supposed to go bed shopping today. Maybe that will be adventurous enough to inspire the muse.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Hey look! It's little Mz Listy McListerson

I was sitting here at my desk, complaining about this cold I still have, aka The Snot That Would Not Go Away, when I checked out jodi's blog. She was talking about her grandfather who's in very bad condition. It made me think about my grandpa - who's not doing so well himself - so I started to feel pretty bummed out. Then I read the rest of Jodi's post where she listed 50 things she is grateful for. And it made me smile. Since I was no longer conflicted with a case of the bummers I thought I'd think some happy thoughts and write one up myself. So in no particular order, here are 50 random things that I am grateful for:

1. my good health - Yeah, I have a stubborn cold, but I'm not in a hospital or on twenty different pills or fighting for my life. So it's ALL good.
2. the HB - who called me earlier today to see how I was doing & volunteered to make a medicine run for me w/o any dropped hints.
3. my family - every loveable crazy single one of them
4. Mc Donald's happy meals
5. Norma - my reliable granny 'good lord did a smurf exploded in here?' car
6. television
7. medicine
8. being able to afford a decent apartment in a decent neighborhood
9. my friends
10. my job
11. police officers
12. firefighters
13. garbage collectors
14. public restroom toilet scrubbers
15. a working air conditioner in my car
16. the internet
17. my computer
18. music
19. snoopy
20. deodorant
21. art
22. the shoes on my feet
23. the clothes on my back
24. the hair in my nose - hey it makes my nose healthy!
25. foozles
26. fun and friendly coworkers
27. coffee breaks
28. french fries
29. laughter
30. the ability to read
31. the ability to love
32. the ability to laugh and drink liquids at the same time without snorting the liquid all over the place
33. the ability to fart silently
34. the ability to make others smile
35. my email buddies
36. the world of pff
37. paved roads
38. people who flip on their turn signal more than 2 seconds before they turn
39. my memories
40. the warm fuzzy tingly sensations I get when I do somersaults
41. 24-hour fast food drive-thrus
42. airplanes - too many relatives live too far away
43. all my fingers and my toes - even the ones that trip me up on occasion
44. cell phones - they're a real godsend when you lock your keys in the car
45. the desire to create things
46. Buster the gimpy dog
47. Title IX and the people who thought it'd be great to have a girl's water polo team at my high school
48. seatbelts
49. knock-knock jokes
50. happy face stickers

Tuesday is Chooseday

tuesday is chooseday

Would you rather...

1. have the power to see through walls OR hear even faint sounds up to 10 miles away?

I would rather have the power to see through walls. If I ever become a parent, I think the power to see through walls would come in real handy. So would having eyes in the back of my head. Can I get that power too? Is there some sort of combo package deal I can sign up for when the time comes?

As The Amazing Super Loon, Superhero Extraordinaire, the power to hear faint sounds from so far away would come in real handy. But then again, so would the power to see through walls. Hmmm...

I'd rather have the first ability because it would be easier to control. And would drive me less nutty. After accidentally seeing a few too many Ugly Naked Guys (few too many in this case would be 1) I'd learn to control the power. I wouldn't look at walls directly. Or I'd close my eyes where I might suspect there to be Ugly Naked Guy Zones nearby.

It'd be harder to tune out the noises. Trust me. I've been ignoring the voices in my head for some time now. They're persistent little buggers.

Hearing everything above a faint whisper within a 10-mile radius would drive over the edge and straight into Nuttyville. I wouldn't just have a summer condo there; I'd have a permanent residence! After hearing people and animals and insects all wheezing and sneezing and farting and screaming and cussing and bitching and crying and whining I'd want to jam sharp pointy objects in one ear until they start poking out the other side. And that would hurt. So that's a big N-O to that option.

I could always wear earplugs though... but they don't block out all the noise. And even if I could turn that ability off and on at will, I can't see that power being of much fun. Or much use. Unless I overhear good stock tips. Nah... I wouldn't know enough about that to do anything with it.

So yeah, I want to see through walls. It'd be like having free porn! Think of all the money I'll save! :)

2. live in ethiopia OR live in the outback of australia?

I'd rather live in the outback of Australia. I don't know which place would have harsher conditions, or which would have the better scenery, but Ethiopia brings to mind deathly skinny kids. And that's not a pleasant thought.

If I lived in the Australian outback, I'd be close to family. That has a much better appeal to me. I could just drive or hike or ride some long distance traveling animal across the outback and into the towns and visit family whenever I wanted to. That would be nice.

3. always show up 20 minutes late for everything OR always show up 90 minutes early for everything?

I would rather show up 90 minutes early. My first thought was 90 minutes is too much. I'd be wasting over an hour of my day every time I had somewhere to go! I hate to be late to things but 20 minutes isn't that late.

Well, depending on what your late for it is. What if I had a job interview? Couldn't be late for that. Or what if I were going to meet some friends at the movie theater? I hate missing the beginning of a movie. So being 20 minutes late everywhere wouldn't be fun. And if I were 20 minutes late to work, I'd have to stay 20 minutes later. The traffic I drive home through can be a bitch sometimes, and that bitchness increases exponentially with each minute that passes by. So leaving 20 minutes later than I do no would be a major pain in the ass.

Plus, if I arrived 90 minutes early for everything thing, I could bring a book with me and catch up on some much needed reading.

4. have four more years with george w bush as president of USA OR not?


Friday, January 16, 2004

and to round out the day's activities...

After seeing a bunch of bloggers mark up the 'top 100' movie list, I saw Solonor mark up a bottom 100 list. I thought it'd be fun so here goes...

1. 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (1966)
2. From Justin to Kelly (2003)
3. Future War (1997)
4. Space Mutiny (1988)
5. Troll 2 (1990)
6. Eegah (1962)
7. Hobgoblins (1987)
8. Backyard Dogs (2000)
9. Gigli (2003) (I rented this the other day. I was curious. The kind of curious that will waste a cat's complete stash of lives by causing it to repeatedly bang its head on the coffee table to distract itself from the tv set.)
10. Santa with Muscles (1996)
11. Going Overboard (1989)
12. Werewolf (1996)
13. Giant Spider Invasion, The (1975)
14. Glitter (2001)
15. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997)
16. Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)
17. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
18. Kazaam (1996) (I have a faint memory of Shaq in genie pants. And that's frightening enough. I can't imagine remembering more.)
19. Leonard Part 6 (1987)
20. Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) (needed a therapy session with Eye Gougers R Us after seeing this one)
21. Hercules in New York (1970) (the HB made me watch this. That's my story and I'm sticking to it)
22. Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)
23. It's Pat (1994)
24. Baby Geniuses (1999) (this was kind of cute... kind of)
25. 2001: A Space Travesty (2000)
26. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
27. Cool as Ice (1991)
28. Bolero (1984)
29. Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (1994)
30. Mitchell (1975)
31. Smokey and the Bandit III (1983)
32. Teen Wolf Too (1987)
33. Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989) (Yeah yeah yeah. I know. It's just that... well... I uh... okay. So I have no excuse for this one. Sheesh, lay off me will ya?)
34. House of the Dead (2003)
35. Vercingetorix (2001)
36. Captain America (1991)
37. Steel (1997)
38. Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988) (Again, no excuse.)
39. Cat in the Hat, The (2003)
40. Mannequin: On the Move (1991)
41. Rollerball (2002) (some of the skating was cool. And... and... yeah, that's all I got)
42. Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981)
43. Ringmaster (1998)
44. Master of Disguise, The (2002) (this was baaaaaaad. But Dana Carvey is just so cute)
45. Problem Child 2 (1991) (evil child. evil movie making people watch it. Yeah, that's it. I was brainwashed into watching this junk.)
46. Spice World (1997) (Dude! This movie rocks!!! Seriously.)
47. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)
48. Cop & 1/2 (1993) (I think I liked this movie. Can't quite remember though.)
49. Mr. Nanny (1993)
50. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) (forced by the HB to watch)
51. Street Fighter (1994) (yep, forced. That's what I said.)
52. Jaws 3-D (1983)
53. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992) (I liked this movie. Estelle Getty has spunk. I like that. When I get older I'm going to take a bunch of spunky pills, just like the 'mom' in this movie.)
54. Double Dragon (1994) (again, forced. Though I kind of like this one :) )
55. Crossroads (2002)
56. Barb Wire (1996)
57. Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, An (1997)
58. Bats (1999/I)
59. FeardotCom (2002)
60. Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) (this movie sort of seems familiar, bit I've probably just seen bits and pieces of it.)
61. Mangler, The (1995)
62. RoboCop 3 (1993)
63. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) (I don't remember a thing about this movie. I saw it once a long time ago while suffering from exhaustion and too much sun. Maybe I would have enjoyed it if I wasn't delirious.)
64. Best Defense (1984) (I've seen this move several times. I like it! I mean, come on! It's got Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy!)
65. Mac and Me (1988)
66. Iron Eagle II (1988)
67. Mr. Magoo (1997)
68. Grease 2 (1982) (I've started to watch this a few times but can never manage to sit all the way through it)
69. Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
70. Ticker (2001)
71. Glen or Glenda (1953)
72. Mr. Wrong (1996) (I lurve Bill Pullman. And had such high hopes for this movie. It was really funny too. Up until the point were it went terribly terribly wrong. Bad wrong.)
73. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987) (I <3 Steve Guttenberg)
74. Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
75. Pokemon the First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back (1999) (The HB and I were the only people in the theater who didn't fit into either the category of 'child' or 'parent'. I liked the movie. After seeing it I became a big fan and watched the cartoon on tv all the time. Go Team Rocket! hehehe)
76. Avengers, The (1998) (I'd love to be cool like Emma Peel. Kicking ass and taking names, all the while looking sexy in a tight black leather outfit. I just hope I don't get stuck in such an awful movie while doing it)
77. Jury Duty (1995) (Go Pauly! Go Pauly! Its your birthday!)
78. Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
79. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
80. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
81. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
82. Derailed (2002)
83. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
84. Caddyshack II (1988) (this has its moments, but compared with the first one its crap)
85. Weekend at Bernie's II (1993) (this movie made me laugh. And while I laughed I thought 'I shouldn't be laughing at this'. It was like a train wreck. But with laughter.)
86. Omega Code, The (1999) (I saw this movie in the theater. At the end of it, most of the crowd stood up and clapped. That's right. Clapped! Bunch of weirdos)
87. Super Mario Bros. (1993) (I used to own a shirt with the movie promotional picture on it. I was mad stylin'!)
88. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) (I quite enjoyed this movie thank you very much)
89. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)
90. Endless Love (1981)
91. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
92. Nothing But Trouble (1991) (this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen with such an excellently funny cast. Its like they took anti funny pills that blinded them to the actual suckiness of the script. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Stay away from the Suckage Blinding drugs)
93. McHale's Navy (1997) (this was bad, but kinda cute. At least that's what I think I thought when I first saw it. I've blocked most of the movie from my easy access memory files so that I don't accidentally flash upon a scene one day while driving home and drive into a drive because I'm crippled with tortuous images.)
94. On Deadly Ground (1994)
95. Kangaroo Jack (2003)
96. Batman & Robin (1997) (people told me not to watch this. I will admit I was duly warned. But I just couldn't help myself. I mean, Batgirl was in it! Wooo! So I watched it. *shudder* All I can say is they better hurry up and film the new Christian Bale as Batman movie to help wipe out the awful taste this movie left behind. Bleh.)
97. Stupids, The (1996)
98. Pet Sematary II (1992)
99. Leprechaun (1993)
100. Bio-Dome (1996) (this movie wasn't that bad)

Total: 32

Geez. Some of those are kind of embarrassing to admit. But at least the total for this list wasn't higher than the one for the 'top' list. :) Some of these movies were painfully awful to watch (Nothing But Trouble) while others I'd watch again and again and again (Spice World).

There are a few movies that should be included in this list and I was surprised when I didn't find them. While I was reading through the list, a movie would pop into my head, and I'd think 'That has to be on the list' but then as I read further it wasn't there. I was going to write the titles down here but now... well... I'm drawing a blank. I can't remember which ones I was thinking of! *brain fart brain fart brain fart* The movies were probably that bad, that's why I can't remember them. And the reason why those movies didn't make the list is that no one voted for them. They were too busy burning the horrid memories that is those movies from their minds.

Yeah. That's it.

I'm kind of surprised Pluto Nash isn't on the list, since it got soooooo many bad reviews. I actually quite enjoyed that movie. In fact, I almost bought it once. :)

yeah, i know Karma... that bitch

SPOKANE, Wash. -- Three men who went streaking through a Denny's restaurant were chilled and chagrined when they spotted a thief drive off in their getaway car, their clothes inside.


That'll teach 'em not to be wagging their wienies out in public like that with a little early morning naked spree. In the winter. With the car still running for a 'quick getaway'.

I wouldn't have admitted the streaking bit to the cops though. I would have told them I was mugged by a crazed naked man who threated me at gunpoint to hand over all my clothes.

Officer: Then why are your two buddies naked?
Me: Because there were three crazed naked muggers! They travel in packs. Naked packs. In search of unsuspecting, fully clothed muggees.

because i really have this much free time on my hands today

i checked out AFI's top 100 movies. i've only seen 35 of those. hrmph. i didn't think the number would be that low. a large chunk of that 35 are Hitchcock thrillers and musicals. such an eclectic taste i have. :)

then i checked out AFI's top 100 funniest comedies, thinking i'd definitely score high with this list.

1. Some Like It Hot (1959)
2. Tootsie (1982)
3. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
4. Annie Hall (1977)
5. Duck Soup (1933)
6. Blazing Saddles (1974)
7. M*A*S*H (1970)
8. It Happened One Night (1934)
9. The Graduate (1967)
10. Airplane! (1980)
11. The Producers (1968)
12. A Night at the Opera (1935)
13. Young Frankenstein (1974)
14. Bringing Up Baby (1938)
15. The Philadelphia Story (1940)
16. Singin' In The Rain (1952)
17. The Odd Couple (1968)
18. The General (1927)
19. His Girl Friday (1940)
20. The Apartment (1960)
21. A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
22. Adam's Rib (1949)
23. When Harry Met Sally (1989)
24. Born Yesterday (1950) (I've even seen the Not-Nearly-As-Good remake)
25. The Gold Rush (1925)
26. Being There (1979)
27. There's Something About Mary (1998)
28. Ghostbusters (1984)
29. This is Spinal Tap (1984)
30. Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
31. Raising Arizona (1987)
32. The Thin Man (1934) (this is one of my mom's favorites so she's probably made me watch it at some point during my childhood. i'm just not sure.)
33. Modern Times (1936)
34. Groundhog Day (1993)
35. Harvey (1950)
36. National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
37. The Great Dictator (1940)
38. City Lights (1931)
39. Sullivan's Travels (1941)
40. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) (have seen Rat Race, a newer similar type movie, which is absolutely hilarious)
41. Moonstruck (1987)
42. Big (1988)
43. American Graffiti (1973)
44. My Man Godfrey (1936)
45. Harold and Maude (1972)
46. Manhattan (1979)
47. Shampoo (1975)
48. A Shot in the Dark (1964)
49. To Be Or Not To Be (1942) (I have seen Mel Brooks version of this movie. Very funny.)
50. Cat Ballou (1965)
51. The Seven Year Itch (1955)
52. Ninotchka (1939)
53. Arthur (1981)
54. The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)
55. The Lady Eve (1941)
56. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
57. Diner (1982)
58. It's a Gift (1934)
59. A Day at the Races (1937)
60. Topper (1937)
61. What's Up Doc? (1972)
62. Sherlock, Jr. (1924)
63. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
64. Broadcast News (1987)
65. Horse Feathers (1932)
66. Take the Money and Run (1969)
67. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
68. The Awful Truth (1937)
69. Bananas (1971)
70. Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936) (have seen the awful Adam Sandler version)
71. Caddyshack (1980) (am simply horrified this is so low on the list)
72. Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House (1948)
73. Monkey Business (1931)
74. 9 To 5 (1980)
75. She Done Him Wrong (1933)
76. Victor/Victoria (1982)
77. The Palm Beach Story (1942)
78. Road to Morocco (1942) (I've seen one of the 'Road' movies. Not sure which one)
79. The Freshman (1925)
80. Sleeper (1973)
81. The Navigator (1924)
82. Private Benjamin (1980)
83. Father of the Bride (1950) (Have only seen Steve Martin version)
84. Lost in America (1985)
85. Dinner at Eight (1933)
86. City Slickers (1991)
87. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
88. Beetlejuice (1988)
89. The Jerk (1979)
90. Woman of the Year (1942)
91. The Heartbreak Kid (1972)
92. Ball of Fire (1941)
93. Fargo (1996)
94. Auntie Mame (1958)
95. Silver Streak (1976)
96. Sons of the Desert (1933)
97. Bull Durham (1988)
98. The Court Jester (1956) (I can never remember which vessel has the brew that is true. hehehe)
99. The Nutty Professor (1963) (have seen Eddie Murphy remake)
100. Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

Total: 34

Only 34? Sheesh. I didn't score high at all.

Maybe the score is so low because they didn't include such wonderful movies as Cary Grant's movie My Favorite Wife. I seriously can't believe it didn't make the list. Yeah, there were a lot of Cary Grant movies on the list already, but My Favorite Wife is hilaaaarious! The look on Cary Grant's face when he sees his first wife, who he'd just had declared legally dead after being missing for 7 years, as he stands next to the new wife, whom he just married, in an elevator that's about to take them up to their honeymoon suite, is absolutely priceless. Damn. I wish I owned this movie.

And again, there were a few movies I've seen at least half way through that I didn't think should count. I really need to finish those movies sometime. And watch all the others too while I'm at it. It will be my Mission of Funny. :)

suddenly i'm in the mood for overly buttered popcorn

I saw this at -d's. Plus a buncha other places. I've been web jumping a lot this morning. :)

This is a list of the top 100 movies voted on at IMDb (and from looking at the list at IMDb it seems some of the titles have switched rankings - and one or two near the bottom have dropped off from the list - but I'll just leave the list in the order I found it.) The titles in bold are the ones I've seen.

1. Godfather, The (1972)
2. Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
3. Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
4. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, The (2003)
5. Lord of the Rings: Two Towers, The (2002)
6. Casablanca (1942)
7. Schindler’s List (1993)
8. Shichinin no samurai (1954)
9. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
10. Citizen Kane (1941)
11. Star Wars (1977)
12. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
13. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
14. Rear Window (1954)
15. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
16. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17. Memento (2000)
18. Usual Suspects, The (1995)
19. Pulp Fiction (1994)
20. North by Northwest (1959)
21. Fabuleux destin d’Amelie Poulain, Le (2001)
22. Psycho (1960)
23. 12 Angry Men (1957)
24. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
25. Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
26. Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966)
27. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
28. Goodfellas (1990)
29. American Beauty (1999)
30. Vertigo (1958)
31. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
32. Pianist, The (2002)
33. Matrix, The (1999)
34. Apocalypse Now (1979)
35. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
36. Some Like It Hot (1959)
37. Taxi Driver (1976)
38. Paths of Glory (1957)
39. Third Man, The (1949)
40. C’era una volta il West (1968)
41. Fight Club (1999)
42. Boot, Das (1981)
43. Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001) (Spirited Away)
44. Double Indemnity (1944)
45. L.A. Confidential (1997)
46. Chinatown (1974)
47. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
48. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
49. Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
50. M (1931)
51. All About Eve (1950)
52. Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
53. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
54. Se7en (1995)
55. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
56. Cidade de Deus (2002)
57. Raging Bull (1980)
58. Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
59. Rashomon (1950)
60. Sting, The (1973)
61. American History X (1998)
62. Alien (1979)
63. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
64. Leon (The Professional) (1994)
65. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
66. Vita bella, La (1997) (Life Is Beautiful)
67. Touch of Evil (1958)
68. Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
69. Wo hu cang long (2000) (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)
70. Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
71. Great Escape, The (1963)
72. Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
73. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
74. Annie Hall (1977)
75. Amadeus (1984)
76. Jaws (1975)
77. Ran (1985)
78. On the Waterfront (1954)
79. Modern Times (1936)
80. High Noon (1952)
81. Braveheart (1995)
82. Apartment, The (1960)
83. Sixth Sense, The (1999)
84. Fargo (1996)
85. Aliens (1986)
86. Shining, The (1980)
87. Blade Runner (1982)
88. Strangers on a Train (1951)
89. Duck Soup (1933)
90. Metropolis (1927)
91. Finding Nemo (2003)
92. Donnie Darko (2001)
93. Toy Story 2 (1999)
94. Princess Bride, The (1987)
95. General, The (1927)
96. City Lights (1931)
97. Lola rennt (1998) (Run Lola Run)
98. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
99. Notorious (1946)
100. Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)

Total: 43

Sheesh. I'm slacking on my movie viewing! That's not even half! Sure, a few of those have funky foreign titles, and I haven't seen many of those, but still... I guess I have some catching up to do. There were 11 other movies I've seen at least half way through, catching clips and bits here and there, but since I haven't seen the whole thing I didn't mark them.

Total movies seen out of the moves on the list from 101-250: 47

Major movie slackin'! Hmmm... I wonder how many of AFI's top 100 movies I've seen. If I have time later I might have to investigate. And then post all about it.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

A Scene Previously Seen In My Office

Co-worker SC: *looks at Boss FM* Hey, where's my review? (meaning employee evaluation review in order to get raise)
Funny Co-worker Paul: What's that? You want a revue? *kicks out legs like a Rockette and starts singing show tunes*


ok. not funny? then read this. especially if you're having a bad day. either you'll think 'hey, my day's not that bad' or you'll chuckle. one of the two ain't bad.

is that a snowball in your pocket or are you just so happy to see me you peed yourself

I heard on the radio this morning that it's pretty cold back east. Pretty really really cold. Turns out there's a winter storm pummeling the East and Midwest. I was curious, so I thought I'd check out some weather temps (which I did at in case you were curious yourselves). Examples:

Boston: low -8, high 6
New York: low 2, high 14

Damn that's cold! And here I'm bitching because my fingers are numby cold in my Igloo Office. :)

I'm assuming its damn cold, but I don't really know how cold 2 degrees actually is because most of my memories begin with me living in central California, a place where school children rarely get the pleasure of school's closing for Snow Days. Which sucks! I had to travel up to the mountains to find snow! Which my family rarely did so I don't have much experience with being in so-cold-its-snowing weather. Where I grew up, snow was never kindly dropped off on my doorstep. Okay, it was. Twice. But that's it!

It snowed once when I was in grade school. It snowed enough for me and my brother to make snowmen in the backyard. It was dirty slushy snow, but it was snow nonetheless. And it was awesome.

It snowed once again when I was in college. The freaky snow had perfect timing too because I'd just gotten back from a trip and really didn't feel like going to school the next day. Classes were cancelled of course. Snowball fights were had. Of course. Me and my friends saved our other friend, 'Mr. President', from Assassination By Snowball from the big bad basketball team (who, trust me, you don't want to call bitches or get in snowball fights with. I didn't cause the snowball fight though. Honest. Okay, so I did call one of them a bitch. But he deserved it. He hit me in the back of my head with a Mondo Packed Snowball. The snowball fight started, not to defend my honor, but because all my friends (all boys) were feeling manly with their newly acquired balls (snow balls that is). That's what caused the 'snow war'.).

Anywhoo... A good and jolly time was had by most everyone. Until, that is, I found out I still had to go to practice. What a spoilsport that coach was. Sure, it was a fun and easy practice, but still, who wants to go to water polo practice (in an outdoor pool) when there's snow to be played with??? Not I says the cat.

Well, speaking of snow and my brother (which I was a couple paragraphs ago before I got sidetracked with myself), my brother lives near Detroit so I checked its weather stats.

Detroit: low 3, high 15

More coldness. Thankfully I live where the temperature today will be: low 44, high 70. That's right. While others are freezing their bits and pieces off over there on the east side, I'll be here in southern California, lounging around my apartment tonight, in shorts, with the windows wide open to let in that nice cool breeze. Yum.

an age by any other number would be just... uh... old

read this over at Lee's blog...

"Bill Cosby says that age is, "nothing but a number". I disagree. Age is a companion - one that you either love or hate, but it is with you for the duration. The sooner you learn to love it, the sooner you can learn from it and appreciate the subtleties it has to offer."

...and liked it so much i thought i'd share of snippet of it here. mainly because i want an easy reference to it for when i'm old and complaining about my age. :)

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

scrabble this punk

Pholph's Scrabble Generator

My Scrabble© Score is: 60.
What is your score? Get it here.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Tuesday is Chooseday

tuesday is chooseday

Would you rather...

1. always taste bacon every time you burp OR have your farts smell like roses?

I would rather always taste the bacon.

I don't particularly like the smell of roses. They smell okay, but nothing really to toot your horn over. Or toot anything else for that matter.

And I do love the taste of bacon. Bacon! BACON! BACON! The taste of my burps aren't bad, but they aren't great either. But they would taste great with a bit of bacon flavoring. Yum.

2. be known to the people in your neighborhood as "the peeping tom" OR "the dumpster diver"?

I would rather be known as 'the dumpster diver'.

I don't want to be known as 'the peeping tom'. I just don't see myself as a 'Tom'. A 'Ben' maybe. Or even a 'Frank'. Not that that helps any. Being known as 'The Peeping Frank' doesn't sound any spiffier.

Oh! But how about Felipe? The Peeping Felipe! That has a nice ring to it.

But not nice enough. I'd still rather be known around the neighborhood as The Dumpster Diver. The eccentric artist Dumpster Diver who dumpster dives looking for weird and wacky things to make weird and wacky art sculptures. Sounds like fun.

I wouldn't mind being known as this sort of Dumpster Diver either.

3. suddenly be attracted to the sex opposite what you are currently attracted to now OR suddently want to be the sex opposite what you currently are?

I would rather be attracted to the other sex, females.

Suddenly wanting to be the opposite sex would be a hassle. I'd be a woman, wanting to be a man. That would suck. But I don't know if I'd ever want to go through all the operations and such to actually become a man. I mean, I'd have to get used to a whole new appendage for crimeny's sake! Boys have all their lives to get used to it. They grow up with it right there, dangling between their legs like some kind of dangling thing. I wouldn't want to get one late in the game and try to get used to it. Phsawh!

I'd so much rather keep my boobs and grow a fixation for other boobs. (As in girl boobies. No stupid boys who act like boobs.)

4. kill a puppy with your bare hands and win $100,000 OR pay somebody else $75,000 to kill the puppy and you only win $25,000?

If I had to pick one, I'd rather pay someone to do it.

I used to know someone who would bite the head off of a bird for a hundred bucks (you meet really interesting people in college) but I don't think I could ever kill a harmless little animal for money. If it were evil and attacking me, yes, I could kill it. But not because of money.

Sometimes, when I'm daydreaming about saving the world/planet, I like to think of myself as a badass mo-fo with killer instincts (and a killer bod and a killer wardrobe and...) because you have to be a little ruthless when dealing with the scum and slime of the planet. And universe. But even being a tough ass chick I don't think I could just pop off the puppy.

It's a puppy for crying out loud! Not a dog but a puppy. Puppies are cute. Even ones that grow up to be ugly dogs are cute as puppies. I don't think I could use my own two hands squelch out the cuteness.

But for $25,000 could I pay someone to kill the puppy so I don't have to touch it or see it? Hell yes! [insert ca-ching! noises here as I dream about all the bills I could pay off (and Badass Mo-Fo Planet Saver Tips for Dummies books I could buy) with that much money]

So if you know anyone who's willing to pay $100,000 for a puppy extermination... send them my way.


No, this is not a post about Dumb Blonde InstaGrow seeds. It's about snowflakes!

I used to love making paper snowflakes. And now I can make them online with Make-a-Flake. Wheeeeeeee!

Right now I'm checking out some of the other snowflakes in the gallery. My snowflake looked better while I was making than it does in the gallery. The gallery version lost a few of my smaller cuts. But it still looks pretty cool. If you want to see it my snowflake is #2076443. It's the bomb shnizflake!

[ edit: i just made another snowflake - #2076601. this is too much fun. :) ]

[ edit again: i've now added links to the numbers so no snowflake wading is necessary. ]

Monday, January 12, 2004

the donuts are blinking

the donuts are blinking. and as it says at memepool the donuts are pretty spooky. but i love this anyway. "the donuts hate you." bwhahahahaha!

i don't suggest viewing this site if you have a hungry anybody standing behind you, wondering what the hell you're looking at. the hb and i are now going out for coffee and donuts. weeeee!

Loon *hhhrrrrrrrrkkkssssshhhhh* I am your phone provider *hhhrrrrrrrrkkkssssshhhhh*

OH MY FUCKING GAWD! Guess who called me. Go on. Guess. Guess who just called me on the telephone right now!

No, not Barbara Walters. No, not Alex Trebek. No, not Bennifer. Sheesh. You guys are no good at this game. Fine. I'll just tell you who called me.

James fucking Earl fucking Jones! That's who called me! w00t!

Isn't that the coolest? He called me personally, personally, to tell me to watch my mail because I was going to be receiving a packet soon. A packet with information about Verizon calling packages and Verizon international calling plans. How thoughtful was that of James Earl Jones to call me personally?

He went on to tell me that there's this sweepstake I can enter to win a car. Then he went on to explain a little of the rules and requirements and yadda yadda yadda.

Then he thanked me for using Verizon. James Earl Jones thanked me!

Sure, it sounded like a recording, but I'm sure it was him personally on the phone with me and only me. And I'm beside myself with giddy glee. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

James fucking Earl fucking Jones called me. Not you but me. Take that all you non Verizoners. ::sigh:: I feel so special now.

Blog it Forward

Okay. So I figured its time to spread the link lovin' around a bit as I play Blog it Forward for the first time. Wheeeeeeeee!

Since I just got checking out her blog a second ago, I'll point y'all in Jodi's direction first. I link to Jodi every now and then in my posts. And I have her blogrolled over there [motions to the left]. So Jodi's linkage is seen quite a bit around here. And her name is seen a lot too in the comments [points to the comment linky thing at the bottom of the post box] and the tag board [motions to the right]. She's very commentalicious. And totally uberific with a cat named Pru and a habit of reading Stephanie Plum Fan Fiction. So go check out Jodi's blog and find out more about her. Seriously. Like right now. It's a fantastic read full of smiles and chuckles and the uberness that is Jodi. Go comment on something and tell her 'loon' sent ya! :)

it's my cake and i'll poke it if i want to

I went to a two year-old's birthday party this last Saturday. Dude, do they know how to rake in the presents or what?! I can't remember the last time I got a bunch of Care Bears and musical toasters and plastic animals and a gatrillion balloons for my birthday. It's been too long, that's why. Too damn long.

And I can't remember the last time I got away with sticking my finger in the cake. Nowadays, when I poke the cake I get slapped. Wuz up wit dat? No one looks at me like I'm a precious two year old and thinks 'oh isn't she just the cutest!'

Why they don't think that, I have no idea. They just don't. But dammit I am cute!!! Just like Dot Warner.

"I'm the one they adore
I'm sweet and I'm cuddly
And small just like Dudley but more
It's a chore
To be constantly cute
And enchanting to boot..."

It really is a chore to be constantly cute and enchanting to boot. [she types with heavy sarcasm] :)


found some funnies at no shoes or socks required. here are my faves:

1. How Do You Catch A Unique bird?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame bird?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

::sigh:: it feels so good to laugh today. :)

Friday, January 09, 2004


I've had the urge all day to moo. And to eat hamburgers and drink great big tall glasses of milk. It's nice to find out that this all coincides with Mad Cow Friday.

I feel all purposeful now that I've been 'encouraged' to be referential to the awesomeness that is the moo cow. MOL! (MoosOutLoud) :)

quote qorner

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." - Henny Youngman

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays." - Henny Youngman


it's friday (!) so let's see if i can goof off a bit while printing out all my reports and stuff.

well looky here! i've started the goofin' already. (started by visiting here.)

35.714285714285715% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

only 35% of me is a huge nerd. about 48% is just a regular nerd. its also a Weight Watchers nerd. it needed to go on a diet. it was too huge.

i'd taken the following quiz awhile ago, but thought i'd take it again and see if i get a different result. and i did.

Find Your Warped Personality
this quiz was made by mysti

eeeeek! i don't have an identity!! i lost it in the supermarket. all the experts say, never leave your identity unattended. or in the presense of scary men with candy in their pockets.

L O S T: One Identity

Has four ears. Marbles for eyes.
Impeccable fashion sense.
Favors its left side after freak
electric nose trimmer accident.

Goes by the name of Lucky.

If found please return to its
rightful owner. That way I can
steal it from them again.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

tingles and smelly fingers

I've been battling a tingle teaser for the last few hours now. (And before your dirty mind goes there, nooooo I'm not talking about that kind of tingle teaser.) I'm talking about sneezing. Or lack there of actually.

I love sneezing. I think I've mentioned that before but I love it so much I'm going to mention it again. And again. I LOVE SNEEZING!

But what I hate is when the sneeze tingle that signals an impending sneeze doesn't lead to anything. There's all this foreplay with the tingling and the involuntary face scrunching and then nothing. There's no sneeze. Just a sense of loss. A 'what the hell was that tingling for?!' anti-euphoria.

My nose tingles... then nothing. My nose tingles again... then nothing. It's damn annoying. I've felt like I'm about to sneeze for the last hour or so with no results. It's so anticlimactic it's driving me crazy! Damn tingle tease!

I must have too many cold germs lingering about. Most of the cold is gone, but the Elvis Snot has not yet left the building. It's lingering, that hunk a hunk a blobby phlegm.

So I ate an orange. I really hate the thought of pumping more medicine in me for just a bit of rebel phlegm. Eating an orange is much more enjoyable. Maybe not as effective, but oh well, it can't hurt. So I ate an orange. For the vitamin c. And so I could stink up the whole office with orange smell. Mwhahahahahaaaa!

*sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif* ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Where does the vitamin c hang out? In the peel? In the pulp-y stuff? In the juice that squirts out in weird angles, going up your nose, hitting you in the eye, or spelling out 'I wet myself' all over your shirt?

Just wondering. Because part of the peel is now under my fingernails. And part of the juice squirted all over my hand and finger. Have I wasted some precious vitamin c on my finger? Because my finger smells like an orange - I can smell it even as I type. If I sniff my finger will I be able to recoup the vitamin c? Will my coworkers understand why I'm sniffing my finger?

"I need the vitamin c dudes!"

*sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif* ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Orangy.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

new office memo: you're not funny

Ponderous Me: Is today Wednesday?
Funny Coworker P: Yes. It used to be Tuesday but they changed it.
Me: *thinks about it for a second*
Me: *shakes head and tries not to laugh*
P: And just last night too. The bastards.

Elvis Schmelvis. I've got the number ones!

I'm number one! I'm number one!

::doing spastic banana dance::

I'm #1 at yahoo when searching for raost for old men.

Are there different types of 'raost' for different types of men? Maybe the searcher was looking for a specific recipe. One with a 'viagra spice' ingredient.

I'm #1 at google when searching for psychotic paranoia.

Uh... should I be worried about this? Heh. Heh. Heh.

I'm #1 at google when searching for rubber rain capes fetish.

I've never really thought about rubber rain capes before. But I'm thinking about them now. And I can't stop! Help! I need to buy a rubber rain cape noooooooow! Mmmmmm... rubber rain capes.

I don't know if should actually be proud about these number ones. But I'll take 'em. :)

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

add another mark to my side of the board

F brings in some left over chocolate cake this morning and leaves it on a table in our office. There's a piece left when Funny Man E comes in. The 'funny man' title is appropriate. He's a funny man. He's always cracking me up. E's always telling jokes, coming up with really lame one-liners, and is always ribbing (in a funny friendly way) on coworkers. His desk used to be next to my desk. And that was awesome because I'd be sure to laugh at least once a day. Then the Higher Ups moved him to an office across the hall. Something about putting all the supervisors with the supervisors and all the maintenance people with the maintenance people. Whatever! *mumble mumble organizing bastards mumble mumble*

So anyway, Funny Man E comes into this office and talks with C about something. While C looks up the something, E starts munching on the remaining piece of chocolate cake.

"This cake needs something," E says in a loud booming voice between bites (he's a bit deaf so he's almost always speaking in a loud booming voice). " You know what it needs? It needs more sugar. Or something to make it more sweet."

F says something like 'that's what the frosting is for' but E doesn't agree. "No. It's not helping. The cake needs more sugar."

Then E laughs at himself. "Look at me, coming in here and eating this cake without asking. Telling you what this cake needs." He's getting a kick out of that while he walks over to the little mini fridge.

I wait about two beats before I say, with full blown sassy attitude in my voice, "What that cake needs is for you to shuuuut uuuup."

Oh I had the guys nearly rolling on the floor with that remark! E busts up laughing, slapping a nearby desktop in glorious delight. F was laughing to, but not making such a spectacle of himself while doing so. C and P, the guy who now sits next to me, let out a synchronous "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!" P even marked his calendar with a red marker, calling it a 'red-letter' day. Seriously. I cracked them up. Point for me! Go me!

I'm far behind in the 'funny zingers' points here at work, especially with all the wannabe comedians around here. So it always gives me warm fuzzies when I can one-up the guys.

I know the above probably doesn't sound all that funny. I don't know how to write it any funnier. I guess its just one of those 'you had to be there' things. Had to know the people and the situation. But trust me. It killed!

E came back into the office a minute ago and boomingly says, "You know what this cake needs?"

Since he was waiting for it, I had to answer. "For you to shut up!"

E chuckled and went about his work.

Heh heh heh. I so funny. :)