Last Saturday, while I was up at my parent's house, my mom hooked up her new phone/answering machine hybrid doohickey.

Mom: [looking at me] Would you like to program our welcome message?

When I was younger and still living at home Mom talked me into recording the answering machine welcome message. I did it using my best kiwi/aussie accent (which isn't authentic any more... darn it) and said things like g'day and stuff. It was pretty silly. And I was all for doing the silly again.

Me: [rubbing hands together like super evil genius] Sure!

She sat down on the couch and I got up and stood by the answering machine. I pushed the 'change' button and then the 'announcement' button and was all ready to go.

Machine: After the beep, record your message. Push the 'stop' button to finish. BEEP.

Me: Where the hell is the 'stop' button? *searching sea of buttons* Oh. *thinks about smacking palm to forehead but pushes stop button - that is right in front of nose - instead*

When you push the 'stop' button the machine replays the message you recorded. So you can hear how dumb you sound.

Machine: Where the hell is the 'stop' button? [pause] Oh. BEEP.

BRILLIANT!

Well, okay, not so much. But that was just a first try. I had more better one's up my sleeve. Plus more better grammar.

Me - Take Two: Hey. Leave a message. Or whatever. Bye.

Mom cocked her head to the side and looked at me disapprovingly, just like the time I brought home a dead bird between my teeth, my tail wagging- er, wait a sec... that was that one dog we had. Hmmm.... Well, Mom still gave me 'that look'. The look that says 'ha ha you think you're so cute and funny but your not so do it right this time buster'. Mom is good at that look. Not that she's had any chance to practice it while raising me, mind you. Nope. Not at all. It's all from dealing with my bro. Yep. It's all from him. Yep yep yep. :)

Anyways... I decided to record another message. I probably should have written down what I was going to say, but that's for amateurs. I am a pro.

Me - Take Three: Hi. We can't come to the phone right now because we... [insert big pause here while I try and remember the big fancy word that popped into my head just a moment before that would have conveyed exactly the image I wanted to caller to have, would have summed up what a string of words couldn't, and would have, in essence, been PERFECT]... are otherwise busily engaged.

Busily engaged? What the...? That is not the word, or words, I was searching for. But that's what came out of my mouth. Mom didn't like it too much. And after I thought about what I'd just said I could see her point. It sounds as if they're doing something naughty. Especially with the pause right before the 'busily engaged' bit.

Mom: Change it.

Me: I will. *goes and sits down on couch*

Mom: *gives 'the look'*

Me: *repels 'the look' with anti-look-stick-spray*

Mom: *employs handy parental tactic* Busily engaged. That doesn't sound too nice. It reminds me of... Well, I guess you're old enough to hear about these things.

Me: *nodding cooly 'yes' but thinking 'NOOO!'*

Mom: One time my mother came over to the house, and your father and I were, well, busily engaged, and she kept knocking and knocking on the door. When we finally opened it she couldn't figure out what took so long. 'I knew you were in there,' she said. 'What were you doing?' *chuckle chuckle chuckle* She had no idea we-

Me: allrightythenhowaboutIchangethemessagenow.

Mom: *smiling victoriously*

She went outside to feed the dog. I paced around the living room trying to think of a new message. Then it hit me!

Me - Take Four: Hi. You've reached 555-5555. The people who would normally answer this phone are doing something they'd rather be doing than answering this phone. So leave a message.

Heh. Heh. Heh. Mom came in and heard the message. She sat on the couch next to me and shook her head.

Me: *looking innocent* Whaaaaaaaaaat?

Mom: You need to change it again. I don't like cute messages.

Yeah. Whatever Mom. You used to. You're just getting soooooo ooooooold now. :)

Me: Okay, how about this? 'Hi. You've reached 555-5555. My mom doesn't like cute messages so this won't be cute.'

Mom: Your mom? How about my mom? If my mother heard that she'd be so disappointed in you. She'd think no one wanted to talk to her. You'd better change it before she calls.

Me: Okay. How about 'We're screening our calls so say something snappy.'

Mom: *gives 'the look' again with a slight smile*

Me: *thinking 'I'm wearing her down! Eventually one of these cute messages will stick! MWAHAHAHAHAAA!'*

And then, I swear to you, no more than a minute later the phone rang. I was sitting closest to the phone but didn't get up to answer it. I kinda wanted someone to hear my message. I looked at Mom and smiled. The phone rang again and she shot up from the couch to answer it before the machine picked up. Guess who it was...

Grandma!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I giggled evilly. Mom rolled her eyes. Fun stuff. :)

After she got off the phone my mom decided to take matters into her own hands.

Mom's First Try: Hi. We're not in right now so... uh... uh... leave a message.

I was busy in the kitchen, but could still hear her fumble over the words, so I started to chuckle. Especially as I watched her hunt for the sneaky 'stop' button.

Machine: Hi. We're not in right now so [pause] uh [pause] uh [pause] leave a message [longer pause] *very faint chuckle chuckle chuckle in the background* BEEP.

The machine picked up on my chortling! Heh. Heh. Heh.

Mom didn't want to mess with it again - not while I was around - so she walked away from the answering machine and sat back down on the couch.

I'm thinking about changing my own answering machine message. Maybe I'll use one of the messages I tried out at my parent's house. And maybe I'll do it with a poorly faked 'down under' accent. :)