Let me just say that the HB is, in the words of Red Forman, a dumbass.

Yeah, okay, so I'm up at my parent's house on Sunday (having attended a friend's xmas party in p-town the night before) when my cell phone rings. It's the HB. He had just gotten off of work and was driving up to his parent's house for a few days of vacation. Yeah, he's off on vacation for the next two weeks. (phooey phooey phooey phooey!)

Okay, so he's driving, and since it was a nice sunny day I'm guessing he had the top down on his convertible because it sounded like he was in a hurricane. This is annoying for anyone on the other end of his cell phone call because most of what they hear is wind static. Dumbass. But hey, at least he thought to call. Anywhoo...

HB: Hi *wind static*
Me: Hi
HB: You'll have to speak up *wind static* I can't hear you.
Me: OKAY. HI!

I can barely hear him. He can barely hear me. It was a Hallmark moment.

HB: don't open the *wind static*
Me: WHAT?
HB: don't *wind static wind static* closet. The one by the bathroom.
Me: DON'T LOOK IN THE HALL CLOSET?

I don't know if it can really be called a Hall Closet since the hall is only about three feet long, but who cares. Calling it that makes the dinky apartment seem bigger. (And typing the first letters in upper case gives it more importance, like its grotesquely huge or something. I'll stop just short of putting 'The Grand' in front of it. That's a bit much, don't ya think?)

HB: Yeah. Don't look *wind static* presents *wind static* haven't wrapped them yet.
Me: !!!!

Presents? Unwrapped presents? Visible presents that I don't have to search for or carefully pull off the tape and wrapping paper so that I can see what's inside?

Me: Why not?
HB: What?
Me: WHY NOT?
HB: Because.
Me: *thinking 'oh great answer. Then thinking 'presents!'* ARE YOU COMING BACK BEFORE CHRISTMAS THEN TO WRAP THEM?

Since he's on vacation, he's spending the next few days up at his parent's house to hang out with his sisters and his little nephew. I have to work *grumble grumble grumble* but I'm driving up to see him on Christmas Eve. If there are unwrapped presents in the Hall Closet, then someone needs to wrap them before I bring them, right? Wrong.

HB: No. They're for after Christmas.

After Christmas?

Me: AFTER CHRISTMAS?
HB: Yes. Don't look okay?
Me: OKAY.
HB: So how'd it go *wind static* last night?
ME: I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER. WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO YELL.

After we hung up I went and told my mom about the conversation.

Me: Why'd he have to tell me that? What a dumbass. Now I'm dying to know what's in that closet.
Mom: Too bad you can't look.
Me: Why can't I?
Mom: You promised.
Me: No I didn't.
Mom: You said 'okay'. That's a promise.
Me: Damn.

Damn her logic!

Why in the world are those hidden presents for after Christmas? What's the point in that? And if they aren't Christmas presents why can't I see them???

It's so frustrating! The HB told me where extra presents are. Presents I have to wait to see. I'm a peeker. He knows this. Surely he knows this. What in the hell was he thinking???

Okay, for the record, I'm not a real bad peeker. As a little kid, I never went looking through my parent's closets or the garage for presents. My brother probably did, but the thought never crossed my mind. When I was a bit older (when certain beliefs about Santa were long since devastatingly crushed) I would wait until the 'non santa' ones were wrapped and under the tree. Then, when the parents went out somewhere, I'd play Christmas Present Commando. Operation Sneak A Peek. I'd search for a present with my name on it, pick it up (being careful not to disturb the surrounding presents), then I'd carefully peel back the tape on one of the corners so I could see what was inside. I would repeat this until I got a clean look at one or two presents. Most of the time the tape was really sticky and I couldn't pull it off without tearing the wrapping (and that would have meant trouble!) To 'wrap up' the mission (hehehe) I pressed down on the tape, sealing up the present once more, then putting it back under the tree, right were I found it. I didn't do this often. But when I did it was extremely fun. That whole element of danger you know, of getting caught. Fun stuff that is! I haven't peeked lately, though I was tempted a year or so ago. I knew there was a jewelry box in my apartment. I knew there was a necklace inside because I'd gone with the HB to pick it out. But I couldn't decide which one I wanted so we left the store (with the HB still rolling his eyes) and he went back later without me, without me getting in the way. So he buys the necklace and leaves the box in the middle of the living room (we didn't have a tree). Sure, he hid it under a teddy bear. But I knew what was underneath it. Sort of. I didn't know which one he picked out. And I soooooo wanted to peek. But I didn't. Resistance was not futile.

So maybe the HB has faith in me that I won't peek again this time.

Or maybe he didn't have any other place to put them.

They must be pretty big if he had to hide them in the Hall Closet. There isn't much room to hide anything anywhere in our apartment. Except for in the Hall Closet. If it was at least medium sized, he could have found a better place to stash the pressies. I mean, I'd never go looking for 'after christmas' presents so I never would have found them. But if he had to hide them in the closet, I think I might know what it is. But if I'm right WHY CAN'T I OPEN THE CLOSET???????

It's driving me batty. Seriously. Last night, I'd be doing something, anything, like getting a glass of water or unpacking certain items from my little travel bag, and it would flash across my mind.

CLOSET.

Just that one word.

CLOSET.

Then I'd think about what was in the closet.

UNWRAPPED PRESENTS.

They have to be for me. If they weren't then why would I be barred from viewing them?

UNWRAPPED PRESENTS ARE WAITING FOR ME IN THE CLOSET.

Arrrrrggggghhhhh! Then later that night, during the dark and desperate hours of 9 pm... (okay, so that's not that late. But give me a break. I was tired from driving home. And I was up all night the previous night. And I'm not as young as I used to be. I'm almost *gasp* 30! hehehe.) Okay, back to what happened during the dark and desperate hours of 9pm...

Devil Snoopy Doll (with little red horns and a pitchfork): *POOF* [suddenly appears over left shoulder]
Me: ?
DSD: Go look in the closet. You know you want to.
Angel Snoopy Doll (with little wings and a halo): *POOF* [suddenly appears over right shoulder
Me: ???
ASD: Don't listen to him. Be strong.
DSD: Bah! What's the big deal? A little peek won't hurt.
ASD: Yes it will. She wants to be surprised.
DSD: She'll be surprised when she opens the closet won't she?
ASD: It's not the same. She wants to be surprised in front of her boyfriend!

See, this is what happens when I only get four hours of sleep because I'm up all night talking with the girls. (Love ya you little jabber monkeys!) I'm just out of practice with the whole Staying Up Late deal. The two snoopy dolls went on arguing for a few more minutes while I got ready for bed. (With my actual reindeer snoopy doll. He was the designated substitute bed sharer last night.) I figured I couldn't think about the closet if I was asleep. I also figured there were a couple more days left before I had to make the trek up north again, giving me ample time to snoop around later.

Help me.