New Year's Resolution version of Tuesday is Chooseday

For the next year, would you rather:

1. give up sweet foods (anything naturally or artificially sweet) OR gain 40 pounds because you didn't?

I'd rather give up sweet foods.

I don't really care to gain 40 pounds for the pleasure of eating them. This is something I'm going to try and stick to next year. Probably. Hopefully. Bye-bye sweet foods! Don't forget to write!

2. taste nothing but the flavor of oranges OR only wear the color orange (all the way down to your underwear)?

I'd rather wear only orange clothes.

I appreciate the many wonderful tastes that are out there too much to give them up. What do you do one day when you're craving the taste of something spicy? The citrus-y taste of an orange just ain't gonna cut it.

Besides, the color orange isn't that bad. I kind of like it. I don't own a lot of orange clothes, but I have a few. And if I had to, I could wear all orange for a year. It couldn't be that bad. Could it?

In college I had a few classes with Lime Green Girl. For the life of me I can't remember her name right now (and its right there on the tip of my tongue too) but if you mentioned Lime Green Girl to someone, more often than not they knew who you were talking about. She wore every type of lime green you could ever imagine existed. Dark lime green, light lime green, deep rich lime green, dull lime green, shiny lime green, sparkly lime green, etc. She even had lime green accessories. Lime green pens, lime green backpacks, lime green shoelaces, lime green eye shadow, a lime green car, etc. The girl loved her lime green in a very scary way. It was as if she only saw the world in black and white, except for things in lime green, so she bought everything in lime green to surround herself in a bit of color. Why else would anyone be so in love with lime green?

Anyways, if she could rock the lime green for several years, certainly I could rock the orange for a year. Certainly!

And for Halloween, I'd already have my costume. I'd be a pumpkin! Or a great big orange crayon. Or Scary Lady Who Only Wears Orange. I bet that will be a popular costume next year.

3. shout obscenities at every person who pisses you off (so loud that anybody within earshot turns to look) OR punch one person a month who pisses you off?

I would rather shout obscenities.

Shouting obscenities is fun. Doing it gives me warm fuzzies. Great big radioactive science-experiment-gone-terribly-wrong Godzilla sized fuzzies. If I couldn't cuss at the stupid drivers on the freeway who piss me off I'd burst from frustration. And I'd hate to have to clean up the mess afterwards.

4. cry uncontrollably whenever you get a bill (at a store or restaurant) OR fart noticeably every time you laugh?

I'd rather cry uncontrollably.

I mean, I'm almost on the verge of tears now when I receive a bill. (Damn you Evil Debt Monster!) Why not take it a step further? And if I go to the same restaurant every time, and cry every time, maybe they'll feel sorry for me once and forget to charge me for something. That would be fun. :)

Farting is fun, but I laugh a lot. A lot a lot. If I farted that much I think it would loose some of its fun points. Especially if there were people within earshot. And grandpa wasn't around to use as a scapegoat. A few farts here and there is fine, but after awhile people might start to wonder what was wrong with me. "Oh dear, you farted again. Is your sphincter on the fritz?" "No Auntie Marge, it's just some guerrilla gas bubbles. I just can't seem to keep those little fuckers under control. But thanks for asking."

See? I'd rather cry instead and save the hassle of sphincter questions for another time.