Tuesday, April 26, 2005

10 Stupid Things I Did As A Kid

It's really hard to come up with 10 because I'm practically perfect in every way. Me and my friend Mary. I mean, the very idea is incredibly preposterous. Me? Doing stupid things? Phsshaw! Whatever dudes!

Actually, I've done a lot of stupid things. I just can't think of any good ones at the moment. None of them are really monumentally stupid, they're just lame. But here's the list anyways... in no particular order...

1. I let my cousin talk me into putting a 9 volt battery on my tongue once. Because once is all it takes, really. Honestly, there was no real 'talking into' involved. He said, 'here, do this' and I said, 'okay sure!'. I don't recommend it. Sonovabitch stings!

2. I broke the towel rack in the bathroom, semi fixed it, then talked my brother into hanging from it. Then I acted shocked and dismayed when it broke. He got in so much trouble. And I still feel horrible about it. I'm such a bad sister.

3. Trying to hug the cat while my brother turns on the vacuum cleaner. The cat freaked like some kind of freaking thing, extended its claws, then used me like a diving board, flew through the air, and ran for safety. I still have the scar on my chest where the cat's claw dug in.

4. Trying to drink punch in the middle of a big laugh-fest. Result: I snorted red punch out my nose and all over my white t-shirt. And I was at a school camp thing and couldn't change right away.

5. I used to tell this joke, when I was in the first / second grade, that went something like this:

Q: If you had five Michael Jackson buttons and gave one away, how many Michael Jackson buttons would you have?
A: Five! Who would ever give a Michael Jackson button away!!! (See? Completely stupid! But at the time, Oh So Funny.)

6. Riding my bicycle with my flip flops on. Somehow, as I'm sure only the really awkward and clumsy can manage, my big toe jumped into the spokes of the bike's front wheel. I flew off the bike and had asphalt skid marks on my knees and hands for weeks. Ouch.

7. In the fifth / sixth grade I made up a rap song about the awesomeness of the spork and chickened out when it came time to perform the rap with a friend of mine in front of the entire school. (As I remember it, someone was actually going to let us sing the praises of the spork over the school's intercom.) The song isn't the stupid part, the chickening out part is. What if a recording agent was there, at my elementary school, looking for The Next Big Thing?! I could have missed my chance of being a rap super star!

8. Diving into the pool wearing my cute new bikini during my first ever boy/girl birthday party in the second grade without first testing out the all important staying-on ability of the bikini bottoms. I dove in and the bikini bottoms went WOOSH right down to my feet. Right in front of boys! I don't know if anyone saw, but I learned to test drive the bathing suits before putting them, and my fabulous diving abilities, on display. This incident can also be filed under One Of The Most Embarrassing Moments Of My Life.

9. Sitting on an old wooden bench, in a swimsuit, then sliding across the old wooden bench. And that's all I'm gonna say about that one. (Another incident to be filed under 'Most Embarrasing').

10. At a sleep over, I crank-called one of the other girl's older brother and told him I was the police and he had to turn his music down or else. Totally not my idea, I was peer pressured into it. And not for one second did we ever think that the brother wouldn't fall for it, that he wouldn't immediately, after hearing my ten year old voice, know it was a prank call. We were such amateurs!

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