Friday, April 01, 2005

Mosquitoes 1 - Loon 0

I'm in pain. Mucho mucho pain. And the circumstances that caused the pain are... well... kind of embarrassing to write about truthfully. But I'm going to do so anyway. :)

Stop reading now if you don't like to read about potty stuff.

Or evil killer mutant mosquitoes.

Still with me? Okay then.

I was going to the bathroom this morning when... wait. Let me start at the beginning. Last night the HB was cooking dinner (very yummy tacos) and because it was getting hot in the kitchen we opened the windows and turned on the fans and tried to bring in the cool outside air. What really cools the apartment off is opening the front door and sticking the big square fan in the doorway. It was a fabulous evening last night. Cool outside, tacos inside. Only we left the front door open too long. There's a certain time at night when all the bugs come out and leaving the door wide open is just the invitation they like. Little bug bastards.

I saw bugs swarming around the front porch light and suggested that 'maybe now is a good time to close the door.' But we were too late. A little bug with six legs, green body, pointy head and something even pointier to stick me with kept landing on my hand while I sat on the couch. And when I see a bug just chilling out on my hand, ready to bite me or do whatever to me, I kind of freak out. Can't help it really.

The HB gave me a look that said, 'Calm down. It's only a bug'. I gave him a look back that said, 'Calm down? I'm a girl with an irrational fear of bugs. This can't be a new concept for you to comprehend?'

There were more bugs that came in than just that one. Another tried to land on me and I saw a third flying around out of the corner of my eye.

I slept with the door closed that night.

The next morning, this morning, I had forgotten all about the bug invasion. I woke up, got out of bed, and made my way to the potty room. I didn't bother closing the door because I was home alone. And if for some reason the HB got out of work early and came home, I'm comfortable enough in our relationship to tinkle in front of him. Not really to [WARNING: 'P' word coming up in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] poo in front of him, which is what I was doing this morning with the door wide open, but I would have just asked him to close the door.

So I had the door open, was doing my thing and marveling out how the early morning sun was lighting up the living room. All was right in the world. Then, as I was finishing... you know... 'cleaning up'... I big freaking mosquito whizzes right by my face. And since I am a girl with an irrational fear of bugs, I freaked out. My freak out consisted of me squealing as I jumped up in the air, then laughing (at myself) like a lunatic as I ran for the door. I looked around the bathroom for the evil mosquito and couldn't see him. I wondered for a second if it had been all just a weird hallucination. I walked over to the shower and the mosquito flew right at me. I myself flew back out into the living room.

I was tempted to close the bathroom door and never go back in there. But that wasn't an option. I'd finished my potty chores but not my other bathroom duties. And dang nabbit! I wasn't going to let that damn mosquito keep me from brushing my teeth!

That left only one other option. It had to die.

I went in search of a shoe. An HB shoe since its his fault the damn mosquito was in the apartment in the first place. I stalked my prey, waited for the right moment to attack, and the SMACK! I slammed the shoe against the bathroom wall, probably waking up the occupants of the surrounding apartments. My girlie scream of 'Aaaeeeeeyyyyyyiiiiii!' as the mosquito flew away probably didn't help matters. I don't know why, but when the mosquito flew away a little voice in my head said, "IT'S COMING FOR YOU! SCREAM AND RUN AWAY!" Because the voice in my head was screaming I freaked out again. The mosquito didn't fly at me that time, but it was flying. So there was a possibility that it could change its flight path and fly at me.

I tried smashing the mosquito several times. Each time I felt more confident that I'd get it the next time. Each time I felt less afraid of the piddly little mosquito. Because hey, it was just a bug after all. Then, when I was sure I was going to smash it no matter what, my aim was off, and I swear the mosquito jumped away from the wall and flew right at me. I turned and ran away from it...

... and ran right into another mosquito. An even bigger one. Angry that his mosquito friend was playing a fun game of Scare The Human Girl and didn't invite him. So I tried to do some fancy contortion maneuver where I veer in a perpendicular path as to avoid both mosquito attacks.

That's when I think I tweaked my back. If only I'd kept up on doing my bug evasion tactical maneuver training exercises. Since I was now dealing with two evil killer mosquitoes, and less time to get ready for work, I gave up the hunt and went into the living room. I started to do other 'get ready for work' things, hoping the mosquitoes would tire of the bathroom (since I wasn't in there to play with anymore) and leave.

A minute later, the adrenaline rush of the mosquito bum rush left me. That's when I felt the pain in my back. And boy is it a doozy of a pain. I sucked it up and went and brushed my teeth. No mosquito attacked me, thankfully. Maybe I scared them enough with my agile ninja judo chopping shoe maneuvers. While I was in the bathroom I grabbed one of those Thermal Care heating pads. I have it on now here at work. It's helping a little bit.

So is the Tylenol I popped this morning. It's helping a little bit more. And the faux ho ho's I grabbed from the vending machine this morning. They helped a little too. (They were surprisingly yummy for being wannabe ho ho's).

But my back still hurts.



  1. aw man, that sucks. i hate mosquitos... they're just nasty, evil bugs. hope your back feels better soon!

  2. thanks. back felt 90% better after i spent the night sleeping on it. then it dropped down to 85% when i tried to pick up all the dirty socks. guess that'll teach me to be all domestic-goddess-like with a sore back. :)