Wednesday, April 20, 2005

And by 'Woman Of Restraint' I don't mean anything bondage-y.

This guy was mulling around my desk this morning.

And by 'this guy' I mean the dumbass who couldn't find a clue even if you shoved one up his nose. The man is a complete moron who's absolutely no help to me whatsoever and who has, as of late, been grating on my nerves with an old rusty cheese grater.

And by 'mulling around' I mean he needed to talk to someone the moment they stepped out of someone else's office and had nothing better to do with his time than bug me while he waited.

Oh Lady Luck, you spoil me so!

So Mr. Moron was hanging around me desk, not really saying anything, but bothering me nonetheless. I had my security badge sitting on my desk because I hadn't yet bothered to clip it to my pants. And the picture on that thing? Completely hideous. My smile is open and wide and strained looking. And my eyes are all squinty. Why my eyes go all squinty when I smile I have no idea. Maybe its just cheek fat that gets pushed up by the smile muscles to hide my dazzling eyes. Or maybe I'm part asian. Mom? Did you forget to tell me something???

When I took the picture, I didn't want to be Big Cheesy Grin Girl. I pasted a small simple smile on my face but that wasn't good enough for the picture nazi. 'Why don't you smile?' she says. 'I am smiling bitch,' I think to myself and try to smile just a little bit bigger. I wasn't frowning, I wasn't giving the camera the evil eye. I had a pleasant look on my face. It's a fine look for everyone else, why wasn't it good enough for me?!

She tried to get me to smile bigger. I resisted. Then she made some stupid comment and my smile blew up like a hot dog in a microwave. SNAP! Picture nazi took my picture. I sighed with relief that the torture was over. Then picture nazi said, 'Now how about one with your eyes not so squinty?' They were as wide as I could get them without looking overtly crazed so I said, 'how about not?'

So needless to say I hate when people make the comment, 'Oh, that picture looks so much like you.'

Okay, so where was I? Ah yes... so Mr. Moron is hovering nearby, notices my security badge sitting haphazardly on my desk, and moves in for a closer look. And he says: "Hey, you do smile?"

Oh ha! You're fuuuuunny.

I wanted to say, "Of course I fucking smile you moron. I just don't smile when I'm dealing with your shit. When I'm wasting my time dealing with your problems I'm not in the mood to smile so quit trying to make lame ass jokes or I'll have to resort to punching you in the nose. Then I'll show you a fucking smile!"

But I didn't. Because I am Woman Of Restraint.

I said something flippant like, "I smile all the time." Then dismissed him and his stupid attempt at a joke and went back to work.

This would have bugged me only slightly had he been a much less irritating man!

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